Thank Fuck! I Thought I Killed Her!

I really have the strong belief that in a relationship you and your partner should basically worship each other.
I don't mean become doormats and not have any self respect...I am just saying...There is a line in all families are psychotic that explains it perfectly. I am not so good at doing so. I just know that I feel I should be worshiped in a relationship, and that every girl deserves to be treated awesomely. In turn, I am cool, fun and understanding, however...I am also pretty crazy. Thus, making me super fun and confusing to be with.

Next month is me and Alex's one year anniversary. After we officially became a couple it has been pretty smooth sailing with each other. In fact, in regards to school, friends and love life, this has probably been one of the greatest years of my life. I am extremely satisfied with my life. I feel like I'm managing it really well.
There are times as a social worker where I feel very ineffective, where I'm unsure if I am even very good or not. What they do in my program is break you down to nothing, they break and take away any idea you had on how to counsel and start you from the ground up. Therefore, I sometimes feel I was better before I started than I am now. For the plain and simple fact that I was more confident than I am now. I sometimes wonder how I am even trusted do one on one interventions with so many students. I also started off in this program as one of the strongest students, I don't feel like this so much anymore....

In two weeks I am officially half way through my education, this is incredible to me, I feel like I am almost done. Maybe because I have gone through so much personal growth in it. I can't imagine having to go through so much more. I also still have university do to. However, I don't think personal growth will be attained....more excruciating times.

I am looking SO forward to going to Ottawa with Alex in a few weeks for our big date. We also have booked our flights for Cuba in March. Super stoked.

I also thought living with Alex would be really tough, it's actually been easy as hell. It's such an easy, natural transition, the four of us are really a core group now, it would feel so bizarre to do something without Alex. Soon we're going to take a family photo of us and hang it on our wall. Very very soon.

I'm pretty proud of myself. Alex and I tend to eat like shit, like preeettty bad for us. However, it's hard to get motivation to do anything about it because we both look pretty decent. I had been thinking about it though and we really need to start being healthier, and cheaper. We eat out so often, eating out is like my one addiction, it's a generational thing because it originally comes from my parents who eat out all the time. Anyway, so yesterday Alex and I went mega grocery shopping! We also bought food we can actually cook and I cooked something for the first time! All by myself! This is pretty incredible for me, back when I moved out the first time on my own I was a fucking horrendous cook, I didn't know how to make shit, and until yesterday never really cooked at all. Alex is a much better cook than me, but I wanted to try this on my own! So I kind of made my own american style stir fry. I got some chicken and put garlic powder on it and then cut up some red pepper, onion, mushroom and tomato and threw it all in a pan, I then put lemon juice on the chicken too and it came out really tasty! I actually ATE the vegetables too, I used to never eat vegetables, but I even tried mushroom! And it was actually delicious, we also baked a potato and had that. It was pretty exciting to do something well.

I really want to be done this semester, I want to be done my stage. I am tired of it, I am getting frustrated by it. I also want my grades, I also want to stop caring about grades, but they totally depend on me getting into University gaaah! However, I am like 200% sure I am going to get in, even if my grades weren't good I will have fucking sick reference letters and some University, not to mention I'm basically program rep considering all of the open houses I have done and all the shit that people bring to me. I also want a job in social work by next semester, or by the summer...Yeah by the summer. I can't keep working as a coffee shop chick for ever! I need more experience. Ugh I also need more confidence, I really feel like I was better at counselling before I began this program, however I am way fucking better at leading groups, which is what I really want to do.

I do need to stop being so lazy though, Alex and I come home from school or work and just watch tv all night, granted we're fucking exauhsted, but we still need to get our acts together and start doing things after school or work, or else they become our lives. I'm kind of speaking for him here but it helps me if we do it together.

This was a good time waster before school begins, I wonder if anyone will show up for our group work. Hopefully! Expect some dinner photos tonight!
Lates

Recently...well...rather today I guess, I have been tested a lot personally and professionally. There's this case I'm dealing with, ugh, it's just so sad and hard. I've dealt with a lot of people, I've been unofficially counseling for so long, but nothing ever really affected me, today was so hard.

I do fieldwork placements at a high school, it's an alternative high school and I work with grade's 7-9. A lot of them have shit lives and shit homes and have repeated their grades several times. I do one on one counselling with them, lead a girls group, speak to parents, come up with programs. Usual stuff. There is one client I have been meeting with, Christian. He's sixteen years old and in grade nine. He is an illegal immigrant. His parents were both born in Columbia. Christian and his sister were born in the United States. Their parents came to the United states and claimed refugee status, MEXICAN refugee status, meaning fraud, illegal. Christian's father died two years ago trying to cross the border.

Christian has a neighbor who has been supporting him, he got him into the english school system because he is high on the board of education. Prior to knowing the neighbor Christian was on drugs, in gangs, robbing cars. He has a criminal record in the states. The neighbor has gotten him off of all of these things. Since Christian has started in our school he has expressed his gratitude to being given the opportunity to learn. In fact, he's probably the hardest working student in our school and the best behaved. He's polite and kind and selfless.

Immigration has contacted their family, they have a meeting on December eighth regarding analyzing their file, meaning heading for deportation. Christian's mother has gotten a lawyer who is fabricating a story with her in order to stay. This lawyer is friends with the neighbor's lawyer and have informed the neighbor that christian cannot get a lawyer because he is only sixteen, this is not true. I called and got Christian a lawyer.
Today Christian, his neighbor and I went to meet with the lawyer. She basically told us there is no way Christian can stay here. he will be sent back to Columbia with his mother. The only chance he has is to be signaled to Youth Protection (DPJ) that he is living in an unfit situation and that his mother is not living with concern to her sons interests but to her own. This will result in separation from the mother and he can then be placed in a foster home in the united states. After one year he can apply to come back into Canada.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

After the meeting I needed to do some serious support and grief counselling. I asked Christian how he was doing, he expressed such dissapointment, anger towards his mother for only doing what is in her best interest and frustration that he did not express interest in becoming an imigrant when he came into Canada at fourteen. I empathized with him and and agreed how hard it must be. The neighbor assured him everything would be alright, however, when Christian went to the washroom the neighbor lookedme in the eye and said "I didn't want to say it while Christian was here, but I am so very sad, I was so sure we could find a way for him to stay, it does not look good for us at all, I am so sad" I listened to him and validated his feelings and his help. He has helped change Christian's life around so much.

The hardest part is that he is leaving the Canadian system, in Canada there are more choices and options for him. He has no one in the United States. I asked Christian where he would want to leave though, in Columbia with his mother or in the united states alone and he said in the united states. I just feel so utterly helpless, I feel useless and like it's so out of my hands, it's not even that it's his choice, it's out of everyone's hands. Christian said it perfectly "you just get so settled in a place and finally do well, then you have to get up and leave again"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I just...this is the hard part. I try to be strong, I really try, I try to remove myself from these situations and tell myself I am not a miracle worker and it is not up to me to change things. But it is still really really hard, it's so hard, so tough. Right now I am just sad, so that I can be strong when I call my supervisor tomorrow.

I just feel like all of the kids I counsel, the one's who smoke pot everyday and deny an addiction, the ones mouth off and claim being tough and all the girls who complain. I just feel like, ugh...anyway, I just feel attached, I wish this kid was an asshole at least, but he's like the sweetest most polite fucking kid. Ugh....So hard....

It's really hard knowing who's right for you. It's not harding knowing which friends are right for you, and it's not hard to keep friendships or make them last. However, when it comes to relationships I can't help but constantly analyze 'is this person right for me?". The question is almost impossible to completely answer.

I recently took a stroll down memory lane and looked at a bunch of pictures I have of Justin. It was weird. I got chills and felt like I was looking at a person I have only dreamt about. I knew I knew him, he was very familiar. However it felt so far away, and this feeling was so eery it felt like no one had ever felt it before. However, Alex and I later looked at pictures of HIS ex and he felt the same feeling.
It was a sad feeling, it was looking back at a life that used to be so familiar to me. A life full of really intense emotions. I used to think Justin was perfect for me because he could put me in my place, I thought that was what I needed in a life-mate. However, it turns out I hate being put in my place, I don't excel in being submitted. Which is what Alex gives me, freedom. But, if me and Alex break up, will I just look back on the relationship and realize I hate that too?

Living with Alex is super fun, he helps out a lot and gets along with my two best friends really well.

We lately have all been playing Settlers of Catan often, it's been the tops. Playing Catan is probably one of the funnest things we could do.

I should have gone to my fieldwork placement today, but I felt sick all night, also it's pseudo my week off, I need this. I am so sniffly. I need to clean. It was really fun seeing the girls over the weekend. I hope Linda visits me, I want more feeemale friends! I live with five boys! (Two male cats) The cock is overwhelming.

Something I have noticed recently is my need to control groups, I am going to make it my personal challenge to try to give up this control in the future. I am definitely letting go of that control within my own personal friendships and it feels great. I am so glad I am taking Social Work, I have never learned so much in my life before. I wish my parents didn't look down on me for wanting to be in school...I really love school and I am good at it. I wish they could see that. I'm so glad I visited home, so that I won't have to for so long afterwards. It's good to be back in my real home, with my new family. My booys.

I miss home a lot. I haven't been home in so long, over two months now, and I miss it so much. I really can't wait to go back for thanksgiving. I also can't wait for it because I get to see Alex's family, whom I also at home with. Whenever we go and visit them I feel so comfortable and welcomed by them. I think in some ways I like Alex's family more than Alex does. I also love bringing Alex back to my house, which I think he also does not care for very much. I just think since I've moved to Montreal I'm really how important people who know, understand and love me are. The people back home know me so well, even if who I am has been slightly altered and changed, they still know the roots of me. I sometimes feel in Montreal that I really lack that. Every time I want to visit home I run out of money, but really I feel like I'm running from this new life that I need to keep working on.
Whenever I go home though I feel that conflict of new me and old me, especially when with my family. I slightly hinted to my dad last time I spoke to him that Alex may move in (Even though he's been living here for almost two months). I'm going to tell my family at thanksgiving that he has moved in, which will be hard. I can feel all of their thoughts about me. I kind of feel like my brother and I have found these people in our lives who kind of broke us out of our familiar shell, someone who changed our usual family mentality. Though we're still loyal and love our family we definitely have changed our values. I think we both needed this as well.

Alex has brought me so many new ideas and outlooks that I appreciate and love, and I brought some to him as well. I think we have found a nice mold to beliefs and values. It was really hard to let go of some of mine though, not that I lost them, but rather altered them. I'm not sure who else I would have done this for, maybe because I'm older it happened. I feel bad though, my poor family wants my brother and I to be just like them, well my dad and sister do, my mom doesn't mind too much. I miss my mom a lot. And my dad's wisdom.

Something I definitely need to get over is thinking my family judges my life style, they are so much more open these days and really don't mind my lifestyle or what I do, I just instantly think they're judging me. Which they have tried to remind me several times that they haven't, it's just my own professing guilt around them I suppose. I still miss them, I also miss food. I want my friends back who know me. I wish they lived here. Anyway for anyone who's wondering what me, my beau and one of my roomates are up to recently, here some sneaky photos I stole from Jeff

( Sneeeeaky )

I'm going to post an essay I wrote last year, it is the highest receiving mark for an assignment I have received in school yet. I think I got like a 96% on it.

The internet is a network of interconnected computers, used for entertainment, business, and information ( JSET 25:245-251, 2000). For years society has struggled to regulate and control pornographic material on the internet (Manuel, F. C., Solursh, D., Solursh, L., Roy, E., Thigpen, L. 2000). Child pornography especially has exploded in recent years (Curry, A. 2005). Today, in our society, child pornography is regarded as dangerous and unthinkable. (Curry, A. 2005). Civil libertarians, politicians, victims rights groups, law enforcement and the general public all agree that creating, trafficking or possessing child pornography is a form of abuse (Curry, A. 2005). However, all of these groups disagree on the proper method of preventing and stopping child pornography (Curry, A. 2005). This paper will take a look at the history and growth of child pornography in our society. It will also analyze the effects pornography and child pornography has on our children and youth, through statistics and through the story of a young boy who was a victim of child pornography. Finally, it will look at organizations and methods used today to stop online predators and to put an end to this abusive industry. This will also include discussing the controversial show ‘To Catch a Predator’.

In 1991 Bill C-128 was created, which is an initiative to create a child pornography law that would define it and criminalize its distribution and sales (Curry, A. 2005). The creation of this bill was strongly influenced by three cases of child pornography that had recently surfaced. (Badgley 1984; Fraser 1985; Rogers 1990). However, there was some conflict arising over this bill, many victims rights groups felt that the possession of child pornography should be criminalized as well (Curry, A. 2005). The bill was passed. Canadian law now stated "a person who is or is depicted as being under the age of eighteen" {Criminal Code C.-46, s. 163.1 [a] [1]) to be a child. This raised concern among Canadians because the age of consent was fourteen. Also, the word “depicted as” made many actors nervous who sometimes played younger characters (Curry, A. 2005). Many others also saw it as an attack against not only photos or media images but on art, writing, and other various forms of expression. (Curry, A. 2005). Myrna Kotash of the Writer Union’s of Canada released a press statement exclaiming that the government should focus on protecting children, not on tricking the public into thinking that censorship will solve the problem. This statement is extremely powerful because so many try to use the right of expression as an argument today (Manuel, F.C. et al 2000). In addition, there is no global control of the internet, no person or group can ever ‘own’ the internet (Leiner, B, M, Cerf, V, G,, Clark, D, D,, Kahn, R, E,, Kleinrock, L, Lynch, D. G,, Postel, J,, Roberts, L, G, & Wolff, S, (1998).
In 1999 the Globe and Mail ran a headline “BC judge throws child porn law’ (Persky and Dixon 2001,). This headline was in regards to a painter who had made a painting of young boys in a sexualized manner and was taken to court for it. Eventually the painter was cleared because no child was ever harmed or used in any of the paintings. (Curry, A. 2005). This started to arouse concern in many parents, who now feared that child pornography was legal. (Curry, A. 2005). However, the painter merely reversed the law of possession of child pornography, not production. (Curry, A. 2005). The case was brought to the court several times, the government acted immediately to take charge of the situation. (Curry, A. 2005). The crown exclaimed that child pornography was harmful in three ways Children are abused in its production, it can be used for "grooming" purposes, and children can be emotionally scarred through exposure to the materials. (Persky and Dixon 2001). In the end, many agreed that the rights of children should be first and foremost. The Alliance for the Rights of Children (2003) explained on their Web site, "[T]his is not a freedom of expression or artistic merit debate. This is a Charter issue that involves the constitutional rights of children to life, liberty and security.
In July 2005 we were given bill C-2, which was described as "one of the strongest, if not the strongest, child-protection law of any country in the world" (Schmitz 2005). This bill focused more on the intent of the explicit sex acts, whether they be written, images, entertainment, etc. (Curry, A. 2005). All of the bills that are in place today that focus on child pornography or exposure of children are constantly being challenged and debated, on both a philosophical level and a technological one (Mitchell, K., Finkelhor, D. and Wolak, J. 2003.).


Despite the extensive worry on this topic, there is still very little research done on it. (Sabina, C., Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D. 2008). This paper intends to show the two ways in which pornography has a negative effect on youth. There are those who are exposed to child and adult pornography involuntarily, and the victims who are participates in child pornography.
A study was done with the New England University where they asked a group of boys and girls questions about their exposure to pornography. The statistic showed that involuntarily 17% of boys and 10% of girls had been exposed to pornography depicting rape or sexual violence and that 15% of boys and 8% of girls had witnessed child pornography involuntarily. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). 92% of boys and 62% of girls had all viewed pornography before the age of eighteen. Out of this group of youth there were many mixed and diverse reactions to pornography. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). Some felt strong negative feelings towards what they had seen, describing feelings of disgust, or feeling worse about themselves. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). However, others felt no reaction at all, and said the images did not bother or affect them in anyway. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). The majority did not find them particularly distressful though, rather more as a nuisance. (Mitchell, K. 2003). Studies are not aware if those who did show signs of stress or disgust were affected in their lives afterwards Sabina, C. et al 2008). However, it definitely does impact adolescent’s views on sex and control Sabina, C. et al 2008).
This paper will look at a victim of child pornography and the effects it has. The New York Times in 2005 covers Justin Berry, aged 21 now, who started actively creating his own porn at age thirteen. It began when he was thirteen and was in a teen chat looking to make new friends and he was propositioned by an older man who offered him fifty dollars to take off his shirt on his webcam. Justin saw nothing wrong with this and did so, setting up an account through Paypal. This was how the cycle would begin of Justin, who was merely somewhat tech savvy, began his own website and receiving gifts from men all over. He would do countless acts on the camera that he justified he did by himself, so he rationalized that he should get paid for it. This was a horrible spiral for Justin, who met several of his customers in person and was molested on several occasions. He got into heavy drug use and secluded himself from his family. He describes afterwards that he wished so desperately that someone would find out so he could stop the whole thing. Eventually, he went to Mexico to visit his father and revealed to him what he was partaking in. His father did not put a stop to his business but instead helped him run it, purchasing prostitutes for him and taping it. Finally, a reporter found Justin and convinced him to stop this and get off drugs. Justin is now convicting several hundreds of men who bought into his website. It has been found that most of these men were hard-working professionals, many of whom had jobs working with children. Justin has received several death threats since making the decision to be a witness in the trial. (Complete story found with New York Times) Justin describes contemplating suicide countless times, but claims he felt powerless to change his situation. He also performed acts with other younger boys, who have now been found and set free.
Many children were described as being raped or molested countless times, and all went through the same feelings of shame, fear and contemplation of suicide that Justin went through. He describes the feelings as torturous, and it all began by one chat room solicitor. According to the department of Justice, one in five children is subject to unwanted sexual solicitations online. Many of these solicitations occur in Internet chat rooms, where predators may assume a false identity and work for weeks, months or years to make contact in the real world with their victim.
For the purpose of this paper, research was personally done to identify the pressures that children may face when entering a chat room. Using the name “Angelgirl12” I informed those who tried to chat that this researcher was actually a 12 year old girl. The amount of offers and solicitations that came was overwhelming. All coming from a simple online kids chat.

There are many intervention attempts with this social problem. The internet, though it makes child pornography more accessible and international (Manuel, F.C 2000) it also helps find and put an end to child pornography. C.A.S.E (Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation) is an organization whose mission statement is to protect all children sexual exploitation. C.A.S.E brings awareness about the reality of child pornography. They push to bring more support and laws against participants of child pornography. Cybertipline.com and Kids help phone are other resources that offer support and help to victims. It also tries to shed light on the misunderstandings of abuse and what is okay for adults to do to children. Cybertipline.com also heads many searches for kidnapped children. Oprah recently has held two large episodes bringing truth and shedding light on the horrible subject, explaining to her audience candidly just how graphic some child pornography can become.

Another pop culture media method of stopping online predators has been a controversial show ‘To Catch a Predator’ on NBC with Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen poses as a young child and asks the men on the other side descriptions of what the men would like to do with the young child. After a few weeks Chris Hansen suggests meeting and the men come with condoms. After this, cameras come out with Chris Hansen, asking the men what he is doing, what his intentions were, why he is there. There is especially a lot of controversy due to the fact that one predator left the scene and shot himself; which shows the level of stability in these predators.

In conclusion, it is evident that the internet and child pornography have a social affect. It makes over 8 billion dollars a year (Weitzer, R. 2000) which clearly indicates how many lives it affects. The secret lives the predators maintain, the parents and their concern for their children, the laws and ideals behind the internet and the very children who are affected and tortured every day as they are far away from their families and are daily sexually abused. There is still little known about the effects of pornography in our society, how to fully prevent this international problem and to what extent of control we as a society should have over it. One thing is for sure though, children are abused and there are victims out there whom need to be rescued and saved.

I really wish I could play music better. Scratch that, I wish I was more motivated to practice music. I want to do solo stuff and keep working on stuff with the boys, however playing music and instruments is horrible and embarassing. I have been made fun of my entire life by my family and some people in my church, especially regarding my ability to sing, write lyrics or play any instrument. My dad wanted me to learn these things, but his motivation to help me was slightly lacking or misplaced. I really want to write dumb lyrics and play and sing them, I don't even have to play them. I just want to sing them and relate to myself. I want to be a writing machine and pump out lyrics more and more. It's so hard though when I am full of constant scrutiny and shame. Like all other areas in my life, I need a nothin' to lose attitude! Especially now, because it's summer, because I can do anything. I only have a bit of time left, I need it to go to good use. I need to make this a productive fun summer. Not that it hasn't been good so far, it's actually been awesome, I just need more and more and more. I also am in love with the lyrics of Kimya Dawson and the simplicity of all her lyrics. It's really captivated me, which in a way sucks. It just does. I just repaired a drawer.

I have been meaning to put up a lot of these things for a while now. Some of them are from my trip in Toronto with my lovely boy, and others are my trip to California.

Me and Rabs (I'm trying out his nickname) went to Toronto because ol'Battle Lava had booked a show. So we hopped on a bus with a documentary film crew and a bunch of other older hipsters and took the slowest drive possible to Toronto (took around eight hours) then we hung out in TO, did an excellent show and then....we stayed up. We had no where to sleep, no money, and had to catch another ride share to Ottawa at seven and the metro opened at six. It was around one when the show ended. So our two vieos are our grueling venture to stay up all night. It was horrible but also kind of fun.

The rest are just pictures from my trip to Cali. Palm Trees are so funny!


( Palm Trees and Rabs )

 Oh yeah, I'm back. 

I'm peeling like a snake, but it's almost over. It's all almost over. California was good, I'm back. Yeah I'm back, I've been back. I'm back.

I have chores to do. I'll do them soon.

I kind of miss school, I miss learning about my profession, social workers have baaaaaaad reps. I'm scared to find out that I can't do anything about it.

I missed my boys in California, I missed my boys a lot. I'm discovering that maybe I kind of need them and that maybe this doesn't bug me too much.

I've fallen pretty hard for my main boy, I didn't expect THAT. Well I did when we started dating, but before that I didn't. We didn't start like most couples, we hated each other at first, but couldn't stop seeing that lad, even when he ended it. Yeah I'm pretty crazy 'bout him, so crazy that I don't know what to do bout it, which is the worst part, there's nothing to do. That's hardest for me, doing nothing.

I miss female friends, I miss being close to girls, I miss chrissie and Kelly, I miss all my Ottawa girls,  I might come to Ottawa for a short visit before my birthday just to go to dinner with them. I miss them like crazy. I miss girls, I miss being a girl. I'm surrounded by boys boys. No that's not even the problem, I just cant puncture the friendships of the girls here, yeah we'll go out and have fun, but we'll never reach that closeness that I have with the girls at home, or the closeness these girls already have with each other. I just wanna watch sappy movies with a girl and have her understand why it feels good to cry. Lame lame, ah well. 
I'm ever so tanned, and need to write more so I don't get rusty for September. I'm thinking of doing an essay in my spare time. I know....SO LAME. I can't help it though, when push comes to shove I actually kind of like learning and researching. I'm kind of fucking weird. But for this reason only.  I'm gonna go make my head itchy, call me up if you're bored, even if you live far away. I'll travel, I don't mind

 This is a list of my top ten favorite songs of all time. Even if this list changes tomorrow, this right now are the songs I cherish so much that I have to mention them. 



Not in any particular order

Your English is Good-Tokyo Police Club :  Barely any other song can give me so many goosebumps so easily. This song inspires delirious happiness in me and I love it, this song is freedom.

The Beer-Kimya Dawson : I don't know why but no matter what mood I am in it is always a mood that fits for this song. I have not once skipped this song on my ipod in the year that I have been listening to it. It fucking hits the nail on the head, whatever that head may be. 

Beast- Native Korean Rock: This song just kills me

The Maid Needs a Maid- Emily Haines : This song can still make me cry, despite not having a relatable feeling to it as much anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut - Born Ruffians - It's hard to choose a favorite Born Ruffians song, but this one fills me with so much happiness, especially when it's sunny.

Come Around - M.I.A : M.I.A is so fucking poppin' but with Timbaland it's fucking gold. 

Climbing Up the Walls - Radiohead : Good fuck its hard to choose a a favorite Radiohead song, and usually I would choose so many others, but right this is the one that is the most intense for me. 

Everyone Nose- N.E.R.D : Good fuck this song is catchy. 

The Biggest Lie- Eliott Smith : It's Elliott Smith, who else?

The last song is a tie because they are both new to me so I am not sure which will win out and it's Peacebone by Animal Collective and Woof Woof by Dan Deacon. 

As I grow up I realize more and more what Veronica Lodge meant when she says that some bathing suits are just not meant for swimming in.

            
There's always this sad moment in relationships for me. The moment the guy I am with get's over the fact that I understand him better than anyone else ever will. That I have this weird view on the human race and that I can tell what people are hungry for because I'm that good at putting myself in their shoes. The moment they don't care that I can read minds and take their hearts to a new place. A moment where that all becomes old news and what they're used to. They're not unhappy  but my thoughts and ideas are no longer incredible. I raise the bar to high in the beginning, I wow guys and then after that nothing impresses them. Same with my story on how I cheated, after they hear that whopper any other secrets about me are secondary. 

     The worst part is I know this pattern, I have seen it so many times yet I still wow at first. Maybe I'm scared people won't like me if I don't analyze them like crazy, who knows. I like noticing things about people, I just wish they noticed these things about me. 


   In three days I am going to be off to California by myself for two weeks. I have no idea why, why not I guess. It's the biggest adventure I will have ever been on. I've never done anything even close to this. I'm just bringing a bag full of clothes and a hair straightner and that's basically it. I am going to try and meet people and just live, I have a few minor goals to achieve but nothing big really, I am really just relying on these hostels and the beach. I could very well be miserable and have a horrible time. I doubt it though, I just have to really force myself to be social and charming and use all the skills I was born with to make some friends. I know I will be lonely and miss people, I've never spent two weeks away from my boys. This will be interesting, I'm going to try to be drunk for a period of twenty four hours. I've never woke up and continued drinking before. I've also never touched real sand and never left canada for more than hour. 


I need to re-dye my hair pink. 

 There are times where I wish I could shut my brain off. I hate being as responsible as I am, even though I have felt less responsible these days.

    I look at other people and read things about them and snoop and browse and facebook stalk. People are so emotional, people are so ruled by their emotions. They burn to understand themselves and do so in many horrible, repetitive ways. I am also a culprit of this self indulgent act. As we all know. I feel less curious about myself these days though. Maybe because I am trying to be more social. I think one thing I have attained that I hate is caring what other people think of me. I want to be as confident and comfortable with myself that I can. This is hard. My piercing is itchy. Does anyone read anything?

    I sometimes wonder if I write less because I pray less, like if there is a direct correlation. I doubt it, I wrote a lot with Justin, and I didn't pray much then, but I tried really hard too. Maybe I write more when Im unhappy. I don't know, I am pretty happy these days. In fact I have been in a general state of happiness, I haven't felt an over whelming sadness since things went slightly off between Alex and I a while ago. Also when things were going badly with school, but even that didn't really bring me down too much. I kind of miss it, I miss not being in control of myself.  I miss the emotions that hurt so much. I have too much at stake now though, I can't start being careless I have my career and future to think, not to say that I;m not having fun. Just the opposite, I need to be a succesful person for all of those other people whose life is in shambles, so that I can carry them soon. I really have no 'clients' now. I have no one I am counselling or speaking to in that way on a regular basis, not like I used to. Which is an even more responsible, professional thing to do. Because I shouldn't do real counselling in my off time. 

    It feels good to just be able to analyze people as my hobby again, someone (Maybe Alex) said I'm kind of like an English Major who's happy they get to read books they just enjoy, that's how I feel. I get to just analyze and think about people and why they do things. I need to make sure I do this so as to keep up the practice. 


   I'm going to California by myself in less than ten days, I'm not ready, I'm not packed. I'm not at all prepared, maybe I'll discover something crazy about myself while I'm there. Maybe I'll be bored and miserable the entire time. I know I'll miss people, I always miss people now. I always need someone. I guess. 

 Whenever I look back at my past entries I feel so sad for how young I was. I just read a post from my Shyland_suffers account and it's me declaring how much I hate sex and how I hope it goes away forever. How sad. Mainly because I know where that thought process originated from. It's rare that I look back at myself and see any kind of change, I like to believe that I have been basically the same since I was five. Though this is somewhat true I have changed a lot. Fuck, my writing style alone. My priorities have changed a lot though. I just feel so much less naive and so much more bitter and tainted. I used to be such a sweet girl.

       I think one of the reasons I don't write in here as much is because of how self conscience I feel. This is also the reason I don't sing as loud, or freely make a fool of myself. I am caring too much lately about what others think of me, which I need to not do. It's bull shit. I miss being innocent a lot, I miss running down a street and skipping or spinning. Maybe my innocence died when my knee popped out. I am limited when it comes to those things now. Maybe I'm jus a wuss and not strong at all...

     I have gotten feedback a few times that I am a control freak, I am going to stop trying to help people so much. Despite my stupid good intentions I need to mind my own business. I need to only help those who ask for my help. I don't want to be one of those parents who doesn't let their kid make mistakes. As James Bond say "Why is it that those who can't take advice always insist on giving it?" 

      Alex can't go to California anymore, I'm hoping Chrissie will come in his place. That would be 2 much fun!11!111!1

I'm feeling kind of solemn, and kind of sad but pretty. Maybe it's just been a while since I've had any time to myself, it's been a while since I could just listen to mysef think and organize my thoughts. I think I talk too much sometimes. I can't help it though, I just have so much to say about nothing at all, I realy do try to be a good listener. I promise. 

   Really I just wish Facebook would stop suggesting people to be friend. 

I could go on forever, instead I'm going to start cleaning my house. Maybe get some groceries and pierce my face with a sharp object. 

So I tried drugs

I smoked weed and hash on two seperate occasions. It was really boring, nothing happened, I felt something for around four minutes then felt nothing and just felt really bored and annoyed. And both times after getting high the next day I had an urge to get drunk, if I did drink it was way better because I remembered how much I like getting drunk.

    I don't feel the need to write in this as much because I have so many outlets to say how I think and feel. There are so many people I can be honest with and say what's on my mind. Especially living with James and Jeff, any thought that comes to my head I usually tell them (Well obviously not every thought, but you catch my drift) Alex helps too. I just have so many people I can tell things to, I don't feel like I need this area to pour out everything that's inside me. I think another reason is that I don't pray as much, and when I pray I love to write what I am feeling because it's like another physical form of prayer. I need to pray more, it keeps me so much more grounded. 

School is almost over, here are a list of things that will be happening in May that I am very excited for.

Getting La Ronde Season pass
School finishing
Going to Toronto with Alex
Getting my piercing
Alex meeting my parents
Seeing my family
Getting prepared for California
Animal Collective


    It's really odd to me how bad my memory is lately, Alex is rubbing off on me. I can't seem to remember how often Justin and I hung out, I think a lot. Regardless, I spend a lot of time with Alex. Like a retarded amount. He just came back from New York, and now the idea of not spending every minute together is absurd to me. He basically lives with me Jeff and James, and he usually meets me after work. I really have no problem with any of this, we get along swimmingly and things are generally awesome for me when he's around. However, although I know we're still in the beginning stages of our relationship and in that "cant be without each other" mode. I don't ever want to be dependant or needy to anyone, so tonight Alex is hanging out with his friends and not sleeping over, and instead of even jokingly guilt tripping him (I would never actually guilt trip him) I am going to be completely cool and awesome about it, and get over this sappyness side of me. I have work to do tonight anyhow.  I just really like Alex, it kind of impresses me how much I want him around all the time. I think it's because we don't hesitate to compliment each other and just make each other feel good, and who wouldn't want that around all the time. 
   I asked Alex to join me for one of the weeks I am in California, and he agreed he will. I am really excited, because I still get my adventures of going somewhere random alone but also get to spend a week in California with Alex. I hope I know how to surf at least somewhat decently by the time he comes. 


   Anyway, so yeah that's what's going on. My room is a mess, what should I wear today? I hate all of my clothes. 

Oh yeah I am also going to attempt to skateboard home today, I am nervous as fuck, seeing as my knee is still super weak.

I'm waiting on a pretty important phone call.


     These past few weeks have been fucking tough. All regarding school really, I have been stressed and beaten down accademicely (I cannot spell that word). I recently had to miss a hospital appointment with Justin to give a presentation on facilitating groups. This presentation was worth thirty five percent of my grade and I had done a lot of work on it. After me and my group had finished I was scolded by another teacher that we had done it incorrectly and had clearly not read the instructions, this isn't true. Our teacher told us to do it differently, she wasn't there to defend us though because she has left half way through the semester to get bypass surgery (enjoy your sprite zero's Marcy) and we now have a new teacher who doesn't know shit about us, like how I would never blatantly read instructions so wrong. After we got yelled at in front of the whole class, every one else in our class scrambled to change their presentations so that they wouldn't be wrong. These are the downsides to presenting first.

    Following this I spoke to my new field coordinator for next year's field setting. I really enjoyed my field placement this semester and was hoping for one just as challenging. This field coordinator has been known for being a huge crazy bitch though, and this is exactly what she was to me. She told me several personal, hurtful things. It brought me down so much. I was told I wouldn't get a job, that I'm too scared and don't know myself, that I stay in my comfort zone. I had never even met this woman before.
  I tried telling her my strengths and that if she gave me any challenge I would take it, she called me a liar.

I was having no faith in the faculty anymore.  I was so dissapointed and hurt. I decided to set up a meeting with the only teacher that I did trust/ My original teacher from my first week. She has given me both harsh and awesome feedback before and I really trust her observations and opinions.
 I went into her office and broke down, I just started crying like a little kid. She gave me a quick o_O look at first. She's used to hearing me boast about myself constantly and having overwhelming confidence in her class.  She blurted out hat she has never seen me like this before and I admitted it wasn't at all like me to be so strongly affected by something. She validated my feelings though and encouraged me, telling me that there has never been a problem with me when it came to faculty meetings and that I have always been one of the strongest students in the class. This made me feel so much better, I really felt like I was being attacked from the staff at all angles. I went to my field setting the following day and explained to my supervisor (whom I love) my feelings, she encouraged me as well and made me feel better. I went back to school after stage and went and saw my new field coordinator.
    She shares her office with Flo, a teacher who I can love or hate, depends on the day. Flo was there this time. Also I saw Shirley speaking to my field coordinator after I spoke to her in the office. Terry (my field coordinator) was very different with me this time. She complimented me and noticed how much I take initiative. Also at our last meeting she offered me placements I did not want, like working with the elderly. This time she offered me three high schools which is EXACTLY what I want! And one of them is a field placement they usually on give to third year students, but if I they accept a second year and I do well in the interview I'll get to do it! So that is the call I am anxiously waiting for.

Last night while in bed, lying next to Alex, I looked at a strand of my blonde hair, and I pictured myself how other people saw me, I pictured my name Cindy Owen and how I act. I felt pretty good about myself and decided that I liked myself a lot. I sighed happily loudly hoping Alex would ask why, he didn't. I tend to sigh loudly a lot for no particular reason, he's stopped asking.

 Also I'm going to see Animal Collective, is anyone else?

 One of my favourite things to do is talk. It's all I really want to do.

 Even as a kid, I wouldn't play on the playground I idn't like doing anything except walking around and talking. It's all I'm really good at.

I think that's what I am looking for, for when I settle down with someone, when I commit forever or whatever. Someone who I can talk to about everything and anything. From Weather to religion to reality tv and favourite colors.

 I read in a book once that when it comes to who you should be with, it's not about passion or common interests it is all about banter, if you can have great banter with someone then you can stand them for the rest of your life. That's what I want. If the conversation isn't good, fuck it. 

 So last night I did my counselling session with my friend on Camera. We had to record me counselling her through a situation, it was supposed to be like the first session. Okay fuck it I don't even want to explain the particulars. I basically did really shitty. I can't even watch it it's so fucking bad. It's brutal for me to look at. I did so fucking poorly. It was supposed to be half an hour long and I cut it short at fifteen minutes because I just didn't know how long it was going, or how far into it I should go. I basically fucked right up. Luckily we're not being graded on how well we do but how well we can recognize how we did. I'll fucking ace that part. 

I was doing a project with the kids from the elementary school where I do my field worrk. The project consisted of making a legnthy commericla promoting leadership and I had seventy five kids involved. I was really excited about it and so were the kids. Filming was supposed to begin yesterday and I had kids runing around the halls looking for me, excited out of their minds. 
 Before beginning I met with the Principal of the school, I had never met this woman or even seen her in the school before and I have been doing this Stage for weeks now. She wanted to know my idea, which was also to have an anti-bullying day and I told her the premise of the movie. He response was "No, that is not going to work". For the next 5-10 minutes she explains to me how leadership and bullying aren't real words that have any real meaning. She goes on to tell me that we should focus more on Inclusion and Exclusion, that she wants a musical chairs type activity, but the opposite of that, where instead of having a loser every class there are only winners, all piling onto one chair. I nearly imploded. What the fuck does an opposite musical chairs consist of? All I could see were flashbacks of the Simpsons episode where Bart has to go to a remedial class and there are around fifteen chairs for five kids and 'everyone is a winner' My supervisor apologized and I then had to go to every classroom and explain to eighty children why the movie they were very excited to do, wasn't happening. I also had to explain this without revealing that their principal was an old haggard bitch, c'est la vie I suppose. 

  I am curently doubting myself as a worker, I got some negative feedback on my cunselling skills the other day. I am not used to getting negative feedback I'm used to naturally being the best. I will definitely take their feedback into consideration, and it was good. But fuck, I should have thought of this beforehand. 

 I'm going home to see my parents soon, for some reason I am not looking very forward to it. I have a feeling my parents are just going to nag me like crazy. I hope they don't, I hope they just find me funny. I have the horrible gut feeling that for some reason they're dissapointed in me. 

 I can;t wait to start skateboarding soon, and going to California. I've been sick for over a month, what the fuck, right?

I really think I need to do an overhaul of my music and add bands that I have been listening to a lot of lately and get more of it. I need to stop fooling myself into thinking I listen to Metric. 

Holy Fuck and Born Ruffians coming up, excited as fuck. 

 Prior to moving to Montreal I had a completely different idea in my head about who James, Jeff and I would hang out with. Who our group of friends would be while living here.

   I thought for sure that we would hang around people we went to school with. That we would make a few friends from school and that James would make a few friends at HMV but we would really stick to the original Gatineau dwellers. I was utterly and completely wrong. In fact last night was really the first time in a long time that I hung out with people that I went to high school with. We have made a lot of friends here in Montreal, mainly through Second Cup where James and I work. In fact that's where a vast majority of our friends are. Though we still haven't gotten to a place where we hang out consistently. There are a few people whom I would love to make into a core group of hanging out with, who I just think are so awesome and that I want to have around way more often. It's probably the first time in a long time that a lot of them are girls too.

  One person is Emily, James' squeeze. I love Emily so much and she is probably one of the best people I have met here in Montreal. I worked with her during my first shift of Second Cup and we just couldn't stop talking the entire time. We really understand each other well and can make each other laugh like crazy. I miss her though and haven't seen her in a bit...But she is hilarious, and one of the biggest hippies I have EVER met. She makes her own soy milk for fucks sake.

Marie Eve is probably my other favourite person to hang out with, she is my life saver at school. She's pretty much the only person in my program I can relate with. She reminds me of Kelly but with more crazy life experience. Just a very realistic perspective on things and just really funny as fuck. If I'm gonna do drugs with anyone it is her. 

And then Alex, who is currently over and jamming with James. I know I haven't spoken much about him in a while but I am really glad to have met him. 

 There are also loads of other people who are awesome to chill with, like Nicole or Denise or Claudia, Julia, Mark Paul Nick Matthew(who I want to be better friends with all of them) It's just difficult to completely integrate yourself within a group, I am hoping to keep doing that though. 

....

I don't know I just really wanted to write. I probably will more...later later later