Alex and I were having a conversation over dinner about our top twenty albums of the decade and how difficult of a list this would be to make. Compiling the artists isn't so difficult. However placing them in order is definitely more of the challenge than I had expected. However, here it is. My list of Albums that have really hit me hard over the Decade. I luckily have livejournal posts that go back five years so it is easy for me to remember those.



20. Linkin Park, Hybrid Theory- This, as an adolescent was an extremely important album for me. It was the first full album that I listened to that I had to hide from my parents. Sam Farley lent it to me and when my dad had found it he threw it out (Sorry Sam) and afterwards I downloaded it all and kept it on a secret cd. The angsty sound to it was perfect for what I needed at the time.

19. No Doubt, The Singles- I am so glad that they put out this album in 2003. This is everything and all I love from No Doubt who not only shaped my adolescents but childhood. They gave off a great live show too. Out of all big major corporation bands, this was one was the most important to me of the decade.

18. Broken Social Scene, You Forgot It In People- This album is not only a huge impact on me but on the canadian scene in general. This album is so accessible for the mainstream music scene which gave more view on smaller indie bands. Also it kept me good company to listen to when I was alone at some boys' homes.

17. The Cribs, The Good Fellas- I will stand by this album forever. Despite what other people say I just love this whole album. The lyrics showed me how to be plain and obvious but still...somehow have depth. I just love how simple and easy it is but I can somehow get into them on new levels every time.

16. The Flaming Lips, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots- This album was one of the first new, indie albums I ever listened to and it was one of my favourites. Do you realize?? Has helped and supported me on so many of these livejounral posts. I have been so inspired by so many of their songs lyrically it hits a lot of key areas and is just so pleasing and sad and happy at the same time. Brilliant

15. Les Georges Leningrad, Sur Les Traces de Black Eskimo- I only got into this album this year. Which is why it is so low on the list. But this album and this band are unforgettable. Everytime I listen to one of their songs I still get shivers. I want a comeback!!

14. Kimya Dawson, My Cute friend Sweet Princess/Remember that I love you- This will be one of two albums from Kimya Dawson that I mention. This album is extremely good, however it does not have as many, consistent good songs on it, it does hold very important songs. One of which is 'The Beer'. This song is probably my favourite of the decade. Remember that I love you however is a better album on a whole. Oh and for the record, I liked it before Juno came out. Just saying.

13. The Lovely Feathers, My best friend Daniel- Live, in my Hull apartment, in this apartment, on the bus. EVERYWHERE, The Lovely Feathers have astounded me with their playable music. From Wrong choice to Iceberg, this album is just so good. Their lyrics and singing style is admirable. Again they taught me so much when it comes to writing. "A Rat ate my dog" who can argue this?

12.Tokyo Police Club, A Lesson in Crime- What went wrong boys? This ep was brilliant, it was GOOD. However then Elephant Shell followed and broke my heart. That is all in the past though and this album showed me such a huge progression in a band. From when I first saw you with twelve people in the audience to hundreds. Godo job boys.

11. Franz Ferdinand,- This was the first concert I attended, the first band Jeff, James and I all bonded over. They were OUR band. So many nights singing their songs, discussing their lyrics and hotness. They were great live, they are a great band. They had the appropriate amount of time between albums, they grew appropriately and this album just gave me so much fun at such a pinnacle time.

10. Wavves- I just got into this album this year as well. And it is amazing, it is fucking brilliant. And it was difficult for me to decide which album was better, Dan Deacon or Wavves. But not EVERY song in this album is listenable. However it perfectly wraps up my party run dreams I am attaining perfectly. Check this album out!

9. Dan Deacon, Spiderman of the Rings- Every song on this album is good. Every single one, they are danceable and deep and sweet and fun and playful and good good good. This album is timeless for me. It is always good to dance to, always.

8. Shout out out out out, Not Saying Just Saying- Ooooh SO4 how could I forget thee? This band is good because I had gone to their show without any previous idea of what their music is like and I fucking DUG IT. It was incredible and then I borrowed (and now took) the cd from chrissie and listened to it over and over and over again. I stil recommend it to so many people today

7. Death From Above 1979, You're a Woman and I'm a Machine- It took me a while to get into this album. I didn't believe Jeff or James when they said how good it was. I thought it was all bullshit. But then I listened and tapped into an awesome untapped quick rage I had not known before. Death from above gets super honourable mentions especially because it was Turn It Out that made me realize how much I wanted to be in aband again and made me want to leap off an escalator just to tell Justin that I wanted to do it and I didn't care what the consequences were.

6. M.I.A, Kala- I don't have much dance music on this list. But M.I.A Is the top of any of those lists. These danceable beats that I once made fun of are goooood. So good. This is probably the best dance music I have ever heard. Her music is fucking top notch she left at her high moment.

5. Emily Haines and the soft skeletons, Knives Don't Have Your Back- Wow. This album is deep, beautiful, brilliant. The best lyrics I have ever ever read, the lyrics in this are penetrating. They hurt they're so good. Its better than Metric could ever hope to be. Emily Haines all of the way.

4. Radiohead, Kid A- Rolling stones named this their top album of the decade and it's really hard to disagree. However it took me a long time to get into every radiohead album and I feel I haven't done this yet to really claim for it to be my top album. Because there is just so much depth to reach in it! And I sadly have not hit all of it yet.

3. Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Fever To Tell- This album, this band was everything I was looking for at the time. It was rage and fury and it was fucking good. It was everything I needed and still need today. It hits hard and it inspired me in my own lyrics in my stage presence and in my attitude. If I ever scare someone while turning them on half as good as Karen O can I have succeeded in so many ways.

2. Born Ruffians, Red, Yellow and Blue- Omg.....This was so hard not to choose first. This was SO hard not to put first. Their live shows never got old. I love their music I love it I love this album. I make sure everyone hears it and they love it. It works on so many levels It's sweet romantic loving fast quick playful it's what I want in so many boys. It's smart it's touching. I just love it, and the singing style was so good. Just so fucking touching.


1. Elliott Smith, New Moon- This was an album put out after his death that is some compillation some new stuff found. This music, Eliott's music has been hitting me for the last six or seven years. It is epic. Whenever I meet someone who is an elliott smith fasn it is hard for me not to have respect for them despite any of their other qualities. It hurts when others don't see how good it is. This is the best album for me of the decade.



Songs-

The Beer I mentioned earlier. But top song of the decade was Hustler, Simian Mobiel Disco. Fuckin hot shit.

Happy New Years everyone. This was my fourth awesome New Years. It was really fun and intense. Thank you to everyone who showed up and made our party wonderful!

This has basically been one of the best years....scratch that, THE best year of my life. I have never been happier or felt more accomplished as a person. I have a great job that I love and gets me by, the best room ates I could ever ask for. I have had amazing experiences and have been growing more and more in my professional abilities. 2009 truly is one of those years that I look back on and realize and appreciate at how much I have learned and grown. I have no idea how 2010 will go. So far it is starting out neat, I feel that maybe it really couldn't get any better but who knows. Alex and I are going to go meet with someone today regarding tattoos which is extremely exciting. I am also attempting a little experiment for this month. I am not using any soap or shampoo or conditioner for the month. I know you may think this is fairly disgusting, and I don't blame you. But I have been reading articles from people about how great it feels and how much softer both their hair and skin is. I know it's a little ridiculous, but I really am trying to become more open minded to ideas and concepts. I love red peppers now. I also try to watch new movies, I try foods, I am cooking and am going to install some shelves onto my walls. I am getting tattoos, I tried drugs. Regardless of this I still believe in God, I am dating an agnostic. I live with my boyfriend, I love him. I live with boys who I also love. I am friends with ex boyfriends. Mev and I had three am best friend conversations while rolling on New Years. Holding hands and stretching out with a group of individuals baked or rolling just as hard. I soon want to write an entry where I write, in detail, every drug experience I have had so I don't forget them. So I don't forget what I learned and how unimportant and unresponsible (I know that's wrong) they were. This year was the best, it was the best because I did stuff. I did something, I tried things and I sometimes was wrong, and that's kind of what made it better. I want to take more uncalculated risks, I wanna do something crazy. Like trying acid just because I'm bored. Like learning how to sew and being taught and not getting discouraged. I don't want to get frustrated because it's hard ever ever ever ever again. I want to play shows and scream and trash on stage. I want to be pretty. I want to be professional while running. I want my knee to be okay and strong. I want to be strong....I'm just really happy that I might hate this tattoo and that I might hate all my friends that I might hate myself and that it will all be okay. Because I had these moments, I hate this year. I want to be less sensitive and be okay with having my feelings hurt, like I used to be when they were constantly getting hurt. I'm gonna try hard to be nice but honest and genuine and real and hard work and the best person I can be. I know I'll die and everyone else will around me and I wont be a legend or even buried. But I loved someone named Alex Westcott, who was so good looking it shocked me. And I laugh with someone named James Geertsen who was so funny it hurts and I learned something with someone named Jeff Larose, who is so honest it scary. Mev, Evan, Cody. These are also good additions. My friends from Ottawa try hard, but fuck them. They're cool and all, but let's just wait and see when they come up here and see me.

Laundry time, then Coffee table time. Then Cat litter, maybe document swapping some cooking, seeing my baby, tattooing consultations, movies friends cds and love. Bed and sleep. Over and over and over over again, rinse repeat.

I want to be in a band again. I would do anything to be performing, I'm good at it, I have commanding stage presence. Every time I watch Alex perform I think of what I could do to add to it. I just want to perform and create music so much again. Me and the boys have been jamming a bit again, our living room is just a giant jamming room, and it's awesome. Me and James have been sitting around and picking guitar while I sing lyrics. I also wrote another song today. About a week ago James, Jeff, Cody, Alex and I jammed and it was amazing. It felt so good what we created. I sometimes get super insecure when it comes to music and I feel useless and not helpful. However, I still have fun and so far the guys have never asked me to leave so I think that's good enough to be in it. Also I'm cute, so who could object? It's really encouraging having so many people around me who love music. We haven't jammed in so long, but now that Jeff and I are on break it's becoming easier. And better, I just want to do one more show again. I would just love to do that.

I am trying really hard to become as self aware as possible, but it's so hard. I want to be a good and insightful social worker. During the school semester I meet or talk to around 12 kids per week. Sometimes less and I hope I am offering the help and an open and supportive ear for them. Some people could think that just being there for them is enough and making a difference. However this is not true, I like to think that not just anyone could do this job and do it well. Something I am noticing recently is how much others seem to really appreciate and like people who stay quiet and mysterious, I may try to add that to my more professional self and only speak when I have something really valuable to say.

I also really want my paper airplane tattoo, badly. I want my tattoo, I want my trip with Alex I want to do well in school, I want to be more social. I want I want I want I want.


Last Friday Alex, James, Jeff and I exchanged gifts. It was really awesome and fun, we had some beers and played a board game afterwards. It was so awesome, the boys bought me the board game we played, a sewing machine and book on how to sew, a new hair straightner, an awesome circle scarf, some super cute earings and a necklace. Needless to say the boys spoiled me this year! These guys are truly my family. I was looking forward more to our version of Christmas together than the one with my family.

I also dyed my hair brown, and got a super cute cut. I'm also a super cute girl. Mmmm

Merry Christmas everyone, I love love love

My family tends to drive me bonkers sometimes. I am pretty easily guilted by them, is everyone? I don't know right now, I can already feel my analytical mind slipping away as schoool ends. However, after the last time I visited them I was quite satisfied not seeing them for another year if I could, but here I am, trying to get more days off from work so I can spend more useless days at my house, all because I spoke to my dad online and he said he missed me, which was nice. It's hard because in my family everything has to be a big joke, on the phone my parents both can barely say they love me or miss me, but when we talk online they speak it easily. This is the case with almost everyone, I understand that certain things are harder to express, however now I am compelled to maybe visit longer. Ah well, Alex has helped convince me to go only the three days. I am sure that will be plenty of time for me to get my Owen fill. I wonder if my sister will bring her new boyfriend...

I am currently watching our cats go insane at the moment, I thought for a second Noms was going to throw up, however I now realize they're both prepping themselves for an attack on the birds who hang out on our balcony outside. They're literally going nuts, I've also discovered that Kan's totally a scaredy cat.

I had a dream last night that Alex got shot in the leg, however he did quite well and walked around normally for around a day and a half before I forced him to go to the hospital, I also dreamt that fifty cent did stand up in our kitchen and that behind our kitchen wall was an open room of pipes and people were hanging out there and this pissed us off. I like dreaming, I also like sleeping in until ten thirty. My poor Alex, he hates his job so much and hates waking up earlier even more. At least soon he will have a mac and life will become slightly more worth living.

It is my winter goal to sew more, cook more and go out more! I basically do not go out at all during the school year, I become a hermit even if I do not have much to do. However, now winter break is officially here and so it is officially time to start drinking and going out more. And I will begin asking random people to hang out with me, people who I have never hung out with before. and it will be grand and fun.

Last weekend Alex and I celebrated our one year anniversary by going to Ottawa, We stayed at Cartier place on Elgin. It was fucking awesome. The hotel was only eighty bucks and the hotel was like an apartment! It had a kitchen dishwasher, stove, pots and pans. It had a bathroom a seperate bedroom and living. It was really awesome and fun. It was like getting a small taste of what living with Alex by myself will be like. We also got really drunk together and went to Zaphods, ate out. It was all a really fun and cute weekend.
I know one day Alex and I will live on our own together, I have no idea when, it could be in a year and a half from now or it could be four years from now. Part of me thinks it will be about three years from now. This is how I CURRENTLY see the future playing out for us, however this idea changes for me daily:

Alex and James are applying to go back to school this year, James will be in a two year program and Alex in a three year. Jeff and I finish our programs next year, however, this summer I am attending some elective courses online at Carleton University. Therefore, in my last year at Dawson I will be applying to Mcgill University for a three year program in order to get my BFA. Therefore I will finish University after Alex gets his degree. Jeff and James will have had their's for a long time by then. So it really is all dependant on them. I wouldn't mind if when Alex graduated...so three and half years from now we all moved out. It would make sense because they would have the time to build up their stability and funds before taking on a different possibly more expensive (It's basically to find a place as inexpensive as what we're paying now, and as good) place. Something that may happen though is that I could get hired on immediately after Dawson, maybe before it's even over, However I still want to get my bachelors so that my pay could increase like crazy, also I wouldn't want to move out with Alex if he's still in University, it helps so much more if we all are supporting each other.
Another reason would be that if I move out with Alex alone that is it...like that is basically being engaged in my head. Right now it is more relaxed because we are constantly with friends and hanging around and even though yes we see each other everyday, it is not dependent on only each other to do chores and the whatnot. However....once it is just the two of us I really believe that is a bigger step relationship wise than I think others may consider it, this is probably because of my religious upbringing and how important I still think marriage is and how much I like it. I want to move out alone with Alex when we're engaged and planning to get married, however in order to do that we need money and stability....But, sometimes your plans do not always happen and James or Jeff may really want to be freed from us and move out in a year. I have no idea, I don't think any of us do. Our living situation is basically perfect for me right now though. I could not ask for anything more but to live with my boyfriend and two best friends. I know no other boyfriend would have been okay with this, mouwahahahaha.

My hair cut and dye are next week! I am tres excited! Everyday I get closer and closer to chopping this friggen mullet off.


I was told in my self assesment with my teacher that my language needs to become more professional and that I need to grow up. This sucks. Oh well, I really just need to know when I have to grow up and when I can act like a moron. It helps when you have a boyfriend who wants to be a musician and do drugs with you. Otherwise my life would become boring and sterile, it's weird, before in relationships I was always the one bringing the other one alive and out of their shell and crazy. Alex really does this to me though. Can't wait for New Years!

The subject of friends is always a really touchy one for me. I am never sure if I am a good friend or if I have too high of a standards for good friends or if I am too sensitive when it comes to friends. I'm pretty hurt though. My friends from Ottawa sometimes don't feel like my friends anymore. No one has visited me since I have moved here. What's the deal? And to make matters worse they visited Saskia within a month of her living here! I really don't get it, when I tell someone they haven't visited me in the year and a half that I have lived here I feel like such a loser and that it's not their fault, it's mine, because I am that lame of a friend? I have no idea. Am I really that unappealing to visit/ Is it my roomates? Do they not like them? I know it's not a financial thing because they all make around ten times the amount I do (I make 5000 a year). I understand a busyness factor, but then maybe write me an e-mail, poke me on facebook? Give me a txt? I know I could be doing all of these things for them, but I moved out here without them. Do they not miss me? I miss them a lot, I guess that's what the difference is, they don't feel missing me because they're all in their homes and regular lives. I feel it more because I am far away and out here.

I sometimes wonder, if I move back to Ottawa, would I continue to hang out with them? It's frustrating that 2 hour distance is what is killing our friendship when it hasn't seemed to affected their friendship with Saskia. What the fuck...

So after the vent comes the solution, speak to them you say? I did, last time I visited during Thanksgiving, I said "you never visit, please visit me" No attempt...No e-mail. It hurts. It hurts a lot (Sometimes when you search for solutions you come back to searching and reaching for feelings) I really am happy with my boys, with my bestfriends here. Don't get me wrong, however recently I have started looking at craigslist ads for women for women for friends to find. I need female friends. No such luck really though, therefore this winter break I am going to try extra hard to hang out with people as much as I can. Emily and I are going to have a sewing party which is very exciting! We bought some scraps from American apparel and they have awesome fabric....

I was just up last night thinking about this. I think I needed to write it out, I feel better now. I got ninety in one of my classes, that's pretty nice.

Here are some uber cute photos of my one year love
( cuteness )

I really have the strong belief that in a relationship you and your partner should basically worship each other.
I don't mean become doormats and not have any self respect...I am just saying...There is a line in all families are psychotic that explains it perfectly. I am not so good at doing so. I just know that I feel I should be worshiped in a relationship, and that every girl deserves to be treated awesomely. In turn, I am cool, fun and understanding, however...I am also pretty crazy. Thus, making me super fun and confusing to be with.

Next month is me and Alex's one year anniversary. After we officially became a couple it has been pretty smooth sailing with each other. In fact, in regards to school, friends and love life, this has probably been one of the greatest years of my life. I am extremely satisfied with my life. I feel like I'm managing it really well.
There are times as a social worker where I feel very ineffective, where I'm unsure if I am even very good or not. What they do in my program is break you down to nothing, they break and take away any idea you had on how to counsel and start you from the ground up. Therefore, I sometimes feel I was better before I started than I am now. For the plain and simple fact that I was more confident than I am now. I sometimes wonder how I am even trusted do one on one interventions with so many students. I also started off in this program as one of the strongest students, I don't feel like this so much anymore....

In two weeks I am officially half way through my education, this is incredible to me, I feel like I am almost done. Maybe because I have gone through so much personal growth in it. I can't imagine having to go through so much more. I also still have university do to. However, I don't think personal growth will be attained....more excruciating times.

I am looking SO forward to going to Ottawa with Alex in a few weeks for our big date. We also have booked our flights for Cuba in March. Super stoked.

I also thought living with Alex would be really tough, it's actually been easy as hell. It's such an easy, natural transition, the four of us are really a core group now, it would feel so bizarre to do something without Alex. Soon we're going to take a family photo of us and hang it on our wall. Very very soon.

I'm pretty proud of myself. Alex and I tend to eat like shit, like preeettty bad for us. However, it's hard to get motivation to do anything about it because we both look pretty decent. I had been thinking about it though and we really need to start being healthier, and cheaper. We eat out so often, eating out is like my one addiction, it's a generational thing because it originally comes from my parents who eat out all the time. Anyway, so yesterday Alex and I went mega grocery shopping! We also bought food we can actually cook and I cooked something for the first time! All by myself! This is pretty incredible for me, back when I moved out the first time on my own I was a fucking horrendous cook, I didn't know how to make shit, and until yesterday never really cooked at all. Alex is a much better cook than me, but I wanted to try this on my own! So I kind of made my own american style stir fry. I got some chicken and put garlic powder on it and then cut up some red pepper, onion, mushroom and tomato and threw it all in a pan, I then put lemon juice on the chicken too and it came out really tasty! I actually ATE the vegetables too, I used to never eat vegetables, but I even tried mushroom! And it was actually delicious, we also baked a potato and had that. It was pretty exciting to do something well.

I really want to be done this semester, I want to be done my stage. I am tired of it, I am getting frustrated by it. I also want my grades, I also want to stop caring about grades, but they totally depend on me getting into University gaaah! However, I am like 200% sure I am going to get in, even if my grades weren't good I will have fucking sick reference letters and some University, not to mention I'm basically program rep considering all of the open houses I have done and all the shit that people bring to me. I also want a job in social work by next semester, or by the summer...Yeah by the summer. I can't keep working as a coffee shop chick for ever! I need more experience. Ugh I also need more confidence, I really feel like I was better at counselling before I began this program, however I am way fucking better at leading groups, which is what I really want to do.

I do need to stop being so lazy though, Alex and I come home from school or work and just watch tv all night, granted we're fucking exauhsted, but we still need to get our acts together and start doing things after school or work, or else they become our lives. I'm kind of speaking for him here but it helps me if we do it together.

This was a good time waster before school begins, I wonder if anyone will show up for our group work. Hopefully! Expect some dinner photos tonight!
Lates

Recently...well...rather today I guess, I have been tested a lot personally and professionally. There's this case I'm dealing with, ugh, it's just so sad and hard. I've dealt with a lot of people, I've been unofficially counseling for so long, but nothing ever really affected me, today was so hard.

I do fieldwork placements at a high school, it's an alternative high school and I work with grade's 7-9. A lot of them have shit lives and shit homes and have repeated their grades several times. I do one on one counselling with them, lead a girls group, speak to parents, come up with programs. Usual stuff. There is one client I have been meeting with, Christian. He's sixteen years old and in grade nine. He is an illegal immigrant. His parents were both born in Columbia. Christian and his sister were born in the United States. Their parents came to the United states and claimed refugee status, MEXICAN refugee status, meaning fraud, illegal. Christian's father died two years ago trying to cross the border.

Christian has a neighbor who has been supporting him, he got him into the english school system because he is high on the board of education. Prior to knowing the neighbor Christian was on drugs, in gangs, robbing cars. He has a criminal record in the states. The neighbor has gotten him off of all of these things. Since Christian has started in our school he has expressed his gratitude to being given the opportunity to learn. In fact, he's probably the hardest working student in our school and the best behaved. He's polite and kind and selfless.

Immigration has contacted their family, they have a meeting on December eighth regarding analyzing their file, meaning heading for deportation. Christian's mother has gotten a lawyer who is fabricating a story with her in order to stay. This lawyer is friends with the neighbor's lawyer and have informed the neighbor that christian cannot get a lawyer because he is only sixteen, this is not true. I called and got Christian a lawyer.
Today Christian, his neighbor and I went to meet with the lawyer. She basically told us there is no way Christian can stay here. he will be sent back to Columbia with his mother. The only chance he has is to be signaled to Youth Protection (DPJ) that he is living in an unfit situation and that his mother is not living with concern to her sons interests but to her own. This will result in separation from the mother and he can then be placed in a foster home in the united states. After one year he can apply to come back into Canada.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

After the meeting I needed to do some serious support and grief counselling. I asked Christian how he was doing, he expressed such dissapointment, anger towards his mother for only doing what is in her best interest and frustration that he did not express interest in becoming an imigrant when he came into Canada at fourteen. I empathized with him and and agreed how hard it must be. The neighbor assured him everything would be alright, however, when Christian went to the washroom the neighbor lookedme in the eye and said "I didn't want to say it while Christian was here, but I am so very sad, I was so sure we could find a way for him to stay, it does not look good for us at all, I am so sad" I listened to him and validated his feelings and his help. He has helped change Christian's life around so much.

The hardest part is that he is leaving the Canadian system, in Canada there are more choices and options for him. He has no one in the United States. I asked Christian where he would want to leave though, in Columbia with his mother or in the united states alone and he said in the united states. I just feel so utterly helpless, I feel useless and like it's so out of my hands, it's not even that it's his choice, it's out of everyone's hands. Christian said it perfectly "you just get so settled in a place and finally do well, then you have to get up and leave again"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I just...this is the hard part. I try to be strong, I really try, I try to remove myself from these situations and tell myself I am not a miracle worker and it is not up to me to change things. But it is still really really hard, it's so hard, so tough. Right now I am just sad, so that I can be strong when I call my supervisor tomorrow.

I just feel like all of the kids I counsel, the one's who smoke pot everyday and deny an addiction, the ones mouth off and claim being tough and all the girls who complain. I just feel like, ugh...anyway, I just feel attached, I wish this kid was an asshole at least, but he's like the sweetest most polite fucking kid. Ugh....So hard....

It's really hard knowing who's right for you. It's not harding knowing which friends are right for you, and it's not hard to keep friendships or make them last. However, when it comes to relationships I can't help but constantly analyze 'is this person right for me?". The question is almost impossible to completely answer.

I recently took a stroll down memory lane and looked at a bunch of pictures I have of Justin. It was weird. I got chills and felt like I was looking at a person I have only dreamt about. I knew I knew him, he was very familiar. However it felt so far away, and this feeling was so eery it felt like no one had ever felt it before. However, Alex and I later looked at pictures of HIS ex and he felt the same feeling.
It was a sad feeling, it was looking back at a life that used to be so familiar to me. A life full of really intense emotions. I used to think Justin was perfect for me because he could put me in my place, I thought that was what I needed in a life-mate. However, it turns out I hate being put in my place, I don't excel in being submitted. Which is what Alex gives me, freedom. But, if me and Alex break up, will I just look back on the relationship and realize I hate that too?

Living with Alex is super fun, he helps out a lot and gets along with my two best friends really well.

We lately have all been playing Settlers of Catan often, it's been the tops. Playing Catan is probably one of the funnest things we could do.

I should have gone to my fieldwork placement today, but I felt sick all night, also it's pseudo my week off, I need this. I am so sniffly. I need to clean. It was really fun seeing the girls over the weekend. I hope Linda visits me, I want more feeemale friends! I live with five boys! (Two male cats) The cock is overwhelming.

Something I have noticed recently is my need to control groups, I am going to make it my personal challenge to try to give up this control in the future. I am definitely letting go of that control within my own personal friendships and it feels great. I am so glad I am taking Social Work, I have never learned so much in my life before. I wish my parents didn't look down on me for wanting to be in school...I really love school and I am good at it. I wish they could see that. I'm so glad I visited home, so that I won't have to for so long afterwards. It's good to be back in my real home, with my new family. My booys.

I miss home a lot. I haven't been home in so long, over two months now, and I miss it so much. I really can't wait to go back for thanksgiving. I also can't wait for it because I get to see Alex's family, whom I also at home with. Whenever we go and visit them I feel so comfortable and welcomed by them. I think in some ways I like Alex's family more than Alex does. I also love bringing Alex back to my house, which I think he also does not care for very much. I just think since I've moved to Montreal I'm really how important people who know, understand and love me are. The people back home know me so well, even if who I am has been slightly altered and changed, they still know the roots of me. I sometimes feel in Montreal that I really lack that. Every time I want to visit home I run out of money, but really I feel like I'm running from this new life that I need to keep working on.
Whenever I go home though I feel that conflict of new me and old me, especially when with my family. I slightly hinted to my dad last time I spoke to him that Alex may move in (Even though he's been living here for almost two months). I'm going to tell my family at thanksgiving that he has moved in, which will be hard. I can feel all of their thoughts about me. I kind of feel like my brother and I have found these people in our lives who kind of broke us out of our familiar shell, someone who changed our usual family mentality. Though we're still loyal and love our family we definitely have changed our values. I think we both needed this as well.

Alex has brought me so many new ideas and outlooks that I appreciate and love, and I brought some to him as well. I think we have found a nice mold to beliefs and values. It was really hard to let go of some of mine though, not that I lost them, but rather altered them. I'm not sure who else I would have done this for, maybe because I'm older it happened. I feel bad though, my poor family wants my brother and I to be just like them, well my dad and sister do, my mom doesn't mind too much. I miss my mom a lot. And my dad's wisdom.

Something I definitely need to get over is thinking my family judges my life style, they are so much more open these days and really don't mind my lifestyle or what I do, I just instantly think they're judging me. Which they have tried to remind me several times that they haven't, it's just my own professing guilt around them I suppose. I still miss them, I also miss food. I want my friends back who know me. I wish they lived here. Anyway for anyone who's wondering what me, my beau and one of my roomates are up to recently, here some sneaky photos I stole from Jeff

( Sneeeeaky )

I'm going to post an essay I wrote last year, it is the highest receiving mark for an assignment I have received in school yet. I think I got like a 96% on it.

The internet is a network of interconnected computers, used for entertainment, business, and information ( JSET 25:245-251, 2000). For years society has struggled to regulate and control pornographic material on the internet (Manuel, F. C., Solursh, D., Solursh, L., Roy, E., Thigpen, L. 2000). Child pornography especially has exploded in recent years (Curry, A. 2005). Today, in our society, child pornography is regarded as dangerous and unthinkable. (Curry, A. 2005). Civil libertarians, politicians, victims rights groups, law enforcement and the general public all agree that creating, trafficking or possessing child pornography is a form of abuse (Curry, A. 2005). However, all of these groups disagree on the proper method of preventing and stopping child pornography (Curry, A. 2005). This paper will take a look at the history and growth of child pornography in our society. It will also analyze the effects pornography and child pornography has on our children and youth, through statistics and through the story of a young boy who was a victim of child pornography. Finally, it will look at organizations and methods used today to stop online predators and to put an end to this abusive industry. This will also include discussing the controversial show ‘To Catch a Predator’.

In 1991 Bill C-128 was created, which is an initiative to create a child pornography law that would define it and criminalize its distribution and sales (Curry, A. 2005). The creation of this bill was strongly influenced by three cases of child pornography that had recently surfaced. (Badgley 1984; Fraser 1985; Rogers 1990). However, there was some conflict arising over this bill, many victims rights groups felt that the possession of child pornography should be criminalized as well (Curry, A. 2005). The bill was passed. Canadian law now stated "a person who is or is depicted as being under the age of eighteen" {Criminal Code C.-46, s. 163.1 [a] [1]) to be a child. This raised concern among Canadians because the age of consent was fourteen. Also, the word “depicted as” made many actors nervous who sometimes played younger characters (Curry, A. 2005). Many others also saw it as an attack against not only photos or media images but on art, writing, and other various forms of expression. (Curry, A. 2005). Myrna Kotash of the Writer Union’s of Canada released a press statement exclaiming that the government should focus on protecting children, not on tricking the public into thinking that censorship will solve the problem. This statement is extremely powerful because so many try to use the right of expression as an argument today (Manuel, F.C. et al 2000). In addition, there is no global control of the internet, no person or group can ever ‘own’ the internet (Leiner, B, M, Cerf, V, G,, Clark, D, D,, Kahn, R, E,, Kleinrock, L, Lynch, D. G,, Postel, J,, Roberts, L, G, & Wolff, S, (1998).
In 1999 the Globe and Mail ran a headline “BC judge throws child porn law’ (Persky and Dixon 2001,). This headline was in regards to a painter who had made a painting of young boys in a sexualized manner and was taken to court for it. Eventually the painter was cleared because no child was ever harmed or used in any of the paintings. (Curry, A. 2005). This started to arouse concern in many parents, who now feared that child pornography was legal. (Curry, A. 2005). However, the painter merely reversed the law of possession of child pornography, not production. (Curry, A. 2005). The case was brought to the court several times, the government acted immediately to take charge of the situation. (Curry, A. 2005). The crown exclaimed that child pornography was harmful in three ways Children are abused in its production, it can be used for "grooming" purposes, and children can be emotionally scarred through exposure to the materials. (Persky and Dixon 2001). In the end, many agreed that the rights of children should be first and foremost. The Alliance for the Rights of Children (2003) explained on their Web site, "[T]his is not a freedom of expression or artistic merit debate. This is a Charter issue that involves the constitutional rights of children to life, liberty and security.
In July 2005 we were given bill C-2, which was described as "one of the strongest, if not the strongest, child-protection law of any country in the world" (Schmitz 2005). This bill focused more on the intent of the explicit sex acts, whether they be written, images, entertainment, etc. (Curry, A. 2005). All of the bills that are in place today that focus on child pornography or exposure of children are constantly being challenged and debated, on both a philosophical level and a technological one (Mitchell, K., Finkelhor, D. and Wolak, J. 2003.).


Despite the extensive worry on this topic, there is still very little research done on it. (Sabina, C., Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D. 2008). This paper intends to show the two ways in which pornography has a negative effect on youth. There are those who are exposed to child and adult pornography involuntarily, and the victims who are participates in child pornography.
A study was done with the New England University where they asked a group of boys and girls questions about their exposure to pornography. The statistic showed that involuntarily 17% of boys and 10% of girls had been exposed to pornography depicting rape or sexual violence and that 15% of boys and 8% of girls had witnessed child pornography involuntarily. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). 92% of boys and 62% of girls had all viewed pornography before the age of eighteen. Out of this group of youth there were many mixed and diverse reactions to pornography. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). Some felt strong negative feelings towards what they had seen, describing feelings of disgust, or feeling worse about themselves. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). However, others felt no reaction at all, and said the images did not bother or affect them in anyway. (Sabina, C. et al 2008). The majority did not find them particularly distressful though, rather more as a nuisance. (Mitchell, K. 2003). Studies are not aware if those who did show signs of stress or disgust were affected in their lives afterwards Sabina, C. et al 2008). However, it definitely does impact adolescent’s views on sex and control Sabina, C. et al 2008).
This paper will look at a victim of child pornography and the effects it has. The New York Times in 2005 covers Justin Berry, aged 21 now, who started actively creating his own porn at age thirteen. It began when he was thirteen and was in a teen chat looking to make new friends and he was propositioned by an older man who offered him fifty dollars to take off his shirt on his webcam. Justin saw nothing wrong with this and did so, setting up an account through Paypal. This was how the cycle would begin of Justin, who was merely somewhat tech savvy, began his own website and receiving gifts from men all over. He would do countless acts on the camera that he justified he did by himself, so he rationalized that he should get paid for it. This was a horrible spiral for Justin, who met several of his customers in person and was molested on several occasions. He got into heavy drug use and secluded himself from his family. He describes afterwards that he wished so desperately that someone would find out so he could stop the whole thing. Eventually, he went to Mexico to visit his father and revealed to him what he was partaking in. His father did not put a stop to his business but instead helped him run it, purchasing prostitutes for him and taping it. Finally, a reporter found Justin and convinced him to stop this and get off drugs. Justin is now convicting several hundreds of men who bought into his website. It has been found that most of these men were hard-working professionals, many of whom had jobs working with children. Justin has received several death threats since making the decision to be a witness in the trial. (Complete story found with New York Times) Justin describes contemplating suicide countless times, but claims he felt powerless to change his situation. He also performed acts with other younger boys, who have now been found and set free.
Many children were described as being raped or molested countless times, and all went through the same feelings of shame, fear and contemplation of suicide that Justin went through. He describes the feelings as torturous, and it all began by one chat room solicitor. According to the department of Justice, one in five children is subject to unwanted sexual solicitations online. Many of these solicitations occur in Internet chat rooms, where predators may assume a false identity and work for weeks, months or years to make contact in the real world with their victim.
For the purpose of this paper, research was personally done to identify the pressures that children may face when entering a chat room. Using the name “Angelgirl12” I informed those who tried to chat that this researcher was actually a 12 year old girl. The amount of offers and solicitations that came was overwhelming. All coming from a simple online kids chat.

There are many intervention attempts with this social problem. The internet, though it makes child pornography more accessible and international (Manuel, F.C 2000) it also helps find and put an end to child pornography. C.A.S.E (Canadians Addressing Sexual Exploitation) is an organization whose mission statement is to protect all children sexual exploitation. C.A.S.E brings awareness about the reality of child pornography. They push to bring more support and laws against participants of child pornography. Cybertipline.com and Kids help phone are other resources that offer support and help to victims. It also tries to shed light on the misunderstandings of abuse and what is okay for adults to do to children. Cybertipline.com also heads many searches for kidnapped children. Oprah recently has held two large episodes bringing truth and shedding light on the horrible subject, explaining to her audience candidly just how graphic some child pornography can become.

Another pop culture media method of stopping online predators has been a controversial show ‘To Catch a Predator’ on NBC with Chris Hansen. Chris Hansen poses as a young child and asks the men on the other side descriptions of what the men would like to do with the young child. After a few weeks Chris Hansen suggests meeting and the men come with condoms. After this, cameras come out with Chris Hansen, asking the men what he is doing, what his intentions were, why he is there. There is especially a lot of controversy due to the fact that one predator left the scene and shot himself; which shows the level of stability in these predators.

In conclusion, it is evident that the internet and child pornography have a social affect. It makes over 8 billion dollars a year (Weitzer, R. 2000) which clearly indicates how many lives it affects. The secret lives the predators maintain, the parents and their concern for their children, the laws and ideals behind the internet and the very children who are affected and tortured every day as they are far away from their families and are daily sexually abused. There is still little known about the effects of pornography in our society, how to fully prevent this international problem and to what extent of control we as a society should have over it. One thing is for sure though, children are abused and there are victims out there whom need to be rescued and saved.

I really wish I could play music better. Scratch that, I wish I was more motivated to practice music. I want to do solo stuff and keep working on stuff with the boys, however playing music and instruments is horrible and embarassing. I have been made fun of my entire life by my family and some people in my church, especially regarding my ability to sing, write lyrics or play any instrument. My dad wanted me to learn these things, but his motivation to help me was slightly lacking or misplaced. I really want to write dumb lyrics and play and sing them, I don't even have to play them. I just want to sing them and relate to myself. I want to be a writing machine and pump out lyrics more and more. It's so hard though when I am full of constant scrutiny and shame. Like all other areas in my life, I need a nothin' to lose attitude! Especially now, because it's summer, because I can do anything. I only have a bit of time left, I need it to go to good use. I need to make this a productive fun summer. Not that it hasn't been good so far, it's actually been awesome, I just need more and more and more. I also am in love with the lyrics of Kimya Dawson and the simplicity of all her lyrics. It's really captivated me, which in a way sucks. It just does. I just repaired a drawer.

I have been meaning to put up a lot of these things for a while now. Some of them are from my trip in Toronto with my lovely boy, and others are my trip to California.

Me and Rabs (I'm trying out his nickname) went to Toronto because ol'Battle Lava had booked a show. So we hopped on a bus with a documentary film crew and a bunch of other older hipsters and took the slowest drive possible to Toronto (took around eight hours) then we hung out in TO, did an excellent show and then....we stayed up. We had no where to sleep, no money, and had to catch another ride share to Ottawa at seven and the metro opened at six. It was around one when the show ended. So our two vieos are our grueling venture to stay up all night. It was horrible but also kind of fun.

The rest are just pictures from my trip to Cali. Palm Trees are so funny!


( Palm Trees and Rabs )

 Oh yeah, I'm back. 

I'm peeling like a snake, but it's almost over. It's all almost over. California was good, I'm back. Yeah I'm back, I've been back. I'm back.

I have chores to do. I'll do them soon.

I kind of miss school, I miss learning about my profession, social workers have baaaaaaad reps. I'm scared to find out that I can't do anything about it.

I missed my boys in California, I missed my boys a lot. I'm discovering that maybe I kind of need them and that maybe this doesn't bug me too much.

I've fallen pretty hard for my main boy, I didn't expect THAT. Well I did when we started dating, but before that I didn't. We didn't start like most couples, we hated each other at first, but couldn't stop seeing that lad, even when he ended it. Yeah I'm pretty crazy 'bout him, so crazy that I don't know what to do bout it, which is the worst part, there's nothing to do. That's hardest for me, doing nothing.

I miss female friends, I miss being close to girls, I miss chrissie and Kelly, I miss all my Ottawa girls,  I might come to Ottawa for a short visit before my birthday just to go to dinner with them. I miss them like crazy. I miss girls, I miss being a girl. I'm surrounded by boys boys. No that's not even the problem, I just cant puncture the friendships of the girls here, yeah we'll go out and have fun, but we'll never reach that closeness that I have with the girls at home, or the closeness these girls already have with each other. I just wanna watch sappy movies with a girl and have her understand why it feels good to cry. Lame lame, ah well. 
I'm ever so tanned, and need to write more so I don't get rusty for September. I'm thinking of doing an essay in my spare time. I know....SO LAME. I can't help it though, when push comes to shove I actually kind of like learning and researching. I'm kind of fucking weird. But for this reason only.  I'm gonna go make my head itchy, call me up if you're bored, even if you live far away. I'll travel, I don't mind

 This is a list of my top ten favorite songs of all time. Even if this list changes tomorrow, this right now are the songs I cherish so much that I have to mention them. 



Not in any particular order

Your English is Good-Tokyo Police Club :  Barely any other song can give me so many goosebumps so easily. This song inspires delirious happiness in me and I love it, this song is freedom.

The Beer-Kimya Dawson : I don't know why but no matter what mood I am in it is always a mood that fits for this song. I have not once skipped this song on my ipod in the year that I have been listening to it. It fucking hits the nail on the head, whatever that head may be. 

Beast- Native Korean Rock: This song just kills me

The Maid Needs a Maid- Emily Haines : This song can still make me cry, despite not having a relatable feeling to it as much anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut - Born Ruffians - It's hard to choose a favorite Born Ruffians song, but this one fills me with so much happiness, especially when it's sunny.

Come Around - M.I.A : M.I.A is so fucking poppin' but with Timbaland it's fucking gold. 

Climbing Up the Walls - Radiohead : Good fuck its hard to choose a a favorite Radiohead song, and usually I would choose so many others, but right this is the one that is the most intense for me. 

Everyone Nose- N.E.R.D : Good fuck this song is catchy. 

The Biggest Lie- Eliott Smith : It's Elliott Smith, who else?

The last song is a tie because they are both new to me so I am not sure which will win out and it's Peacebone by Animal Collective and Woof Woof by Dan Deacon. 

As I grow up I realize more and more what Veronica Lodge meant when she says that some bathing suits are just not meant for swimming in.

            
There's always this sad moment in relationships for me. The moment the guy I am with get's over the fact that I understand him better than anyone else ever will. That I have this weird view on the human race and that I can tell what people are hungry for because I'm that good at putting myself in their shoes. The moment they don't care that I can read minds and take their hearts to a new place. A moment where that all becomes old news and what they're used to. They're not unhappy  but my thoughts and ideas are no longer incredible. I raise the bar to high in the beginning, I wow guys and then after that nothing impresses them. Same with my story on how I cheated, after they hear that whopper any other secrets about me are secondary. 

     The worst part is I know this pattern, I have seen it so many times yet I still wow at first. Maybe I'm scared people won't like me if I don't analyze them like crazy, who knows. I like noticing things about people, I just wish they noticed these things about me. 


   In three days I am going to be off to California by myself for two weeks. I have no idea why, why not I guess. It's the biggest adventure I will have ever been on. I've never done anything even close to this. I'm just bringing a bag full of clothes and a hair straightner and that's basically it. I am going to try and meet people and just live, I have a few minor goals to achieve but nothing big really, I am really just relying on these hostels and the beach. I could very well be miserable and have a horrible time. I doubt it though, I just have to really force myself to be social and charming and use all the skills I was born with to make some friends. I know I will be lonely and miss people, I've never spent two weeks away from my boys. This will be interesting, I'm going to try to be drunk for a period of twenty four hours. I've never woke up and continued drinking before. I've also never touched real sand and never left canada for more than hour. 


I need to re-dye my hair pink. 

 There are times where I wish I could shut my brain off. I hate being as responsible as I am, even though I have felt less responsible these days.

    I look at other people and read things about them and snoop and browse and facebook stalk. People are so emotional, people are so ruled by their emotions. They burn to understand themselves and do so in many horrible, repetitive ways. I am also a culprit of this self indulgent act. As we all know. I feel less curious about myself these days though. Maybe because I am trying to be more social. I think one thing I have attained that I hate is caring what other people think of me. I want to be as confident and comfortable with myself that I can. This is hard. My piercing is itchy. Does anyone read anything?

    I sometimes wonder if I write less because I pray less, like if there is a direct correlation. I doubt it, I wrote a lot with Justin, and I didn't pray much then, but I tried really hard too. Maybe I write more when Im unhappy. I don't know, I am pretty happy these days. In fact I have been in a general state of happiness, I haven't felt an over whelming sadness since things went slightly off between Alex and I a while ago. Also when things were going badly with school, but even that didn't really bring me down too much. I kind of miss it, I miss not being in control of myself.  I miss the emotions that hurt so much. I have too much at stake now though, I can't start being careless I have my career and future to think, not to say that I;m not having fun. Just the opposite, I need to be a succesful person for all of those other people whose life is in shambles, so that I can carry them soon. I really have no 'clients' now. I have no one I am counselling or speaking to in that way on a regular basis, not like I used to. Which is an even more responsible, professional thing to do. Because I shouldn't do real counselling in my off time. 

    It feels good to just be able to analyze people as my hobby again, someone (Maybe Alex) said I'm kind of like an English Major who's happy they get to read books they just enjoy, that's how I feel. I get to just analyze and think about people and why they do things. I need to make sure I do this so as to keep up the practice. 


   I'm going to California by myself in less than ten days, I'm not ready, I'm not packed. I'm not at all prepared, maybe I'll discover something crazy about myself while I'm there. Maybe I'll be bored and miserable the entire time. I know I'll miss people, I always miss people now. I always need someone. I guess. 

 Whenever I look back at my past entries I feel so sad for how young I was. I just read a post from my Shyland_suffers account and it's me declaring how much I hate sex and how I hope it goes away forever. How sad. Mainly because I know where that thought process originated from. It's rare that I look back at myself and see any kind of change, I like to believe that I have been basically the same since I was five. Though this is somewhat true I have changed a lot. Fuck, my writing style alone. My priorities have changed a lot though. I just feel so much less naive and so much more bitter and tainted. I used to be such a sweet girl.

       I think one of the reasons I don't write in here as much is because of how self conscience I feel. This is also the reason I don't sing as loud, or freely make a fool of myself. I am caring too much lately about what others think of me, which I need to not do. It's bull shit. I miss being innocent a lot, I miss running down a street and skipping or spinning. Maybe my innocence died when my knee popped out. I am limited when it comes to those things now. Maybe I'm jus a wuss and not strong at all...

     I have gotten feedback a few times that I am a control freak, I am going to stop trying to help people so much. Despite my stupid good intentions I need to mind my own business. I need to only help those who ask for my help. I don't want to be one of those parents who doesn't let their kid make mistakes. As James Bond say "Why is it that those who can't take advice always insist on giving it?" 

      Alex can't go to California anymore, I'm hoping Chrissie will come in his place. That would be 2 much fun!11!111!1

I'm feeling kind of solemn, and kind of sad but pretty. Maybe it's just been a while since I've had any time to myself, it's been a while since I could just listen to mysef think and organize my thoughts. I think I talk too much sometimes. I can't help it though, I just have so much to say about nothing at all, I realy do try to be a good listener. I promise. 

   Really I just wish Facebook would stop suggesting people to be friend. 

I could go on forever, instead I'm going to start cleaning my house. Maybe get some groceries and pierce my face with a sharp object. 

So I tried drugs

I smoked weed and hash on two seperate occasions. It was really boring, nothing happened, I felt something for around four minutes then felt nothing and just felt really bored and annoyed. And both times after getting high the next day I had an urge to get drunk, if I did drink it was way better because I remembered how much I like getting drunk.

    I don't feel the need to write in this as much because I have so many outlets to say how I think and feel. There are so many people I can be honest with and say what's on my mind. Especially living with James and Jeff, any thought that comes to my head I usually tell them (Well obviously not every thought, but you catch my drift) Alex helps too. I just have so many people I can tell things to, I don't feel like I need this area to pour out everything that's inside me. I think another reason is that I don't pray as much, and when I pray I love to write what I am feeling because it's like another physical form of prayer. I need to pray more, it keeps me so much more grounded. 

School is almost over, here are a list of things that will be happening in May that I am very excited for.

Getting La Ronde Season pass
School finishing
Going to Toronto with Alex
Getting my piercing
Alex meeting my parents
Seeing my family
Getting prepared for California
Animal Collective


    It's really odd to me how bad my memory is lately, Alex is rubbing off on me. I can't seem to remember how often Justin and I hung out, I think a lot. Regardless, I spend a lot of time with Alex. Like a retarded amount. He just came back from New York, and now the idea of not spending every minute together is absurd to me. He basically lives with me Jeff and James, and he usually meets me after work. I really have no problem with any of this, we get along swimmingly and things are generally awesome for me when he's around. However, although I know we're still in the beginning stages of our relationship and in that "cant be without each other" mode. I don't ever want to be dependant or needy to anyone, so tonight Alex is hanging out with his friends and not sleeping over, and instead of even jokingly guilt tripping him (I would never actually guilt trip him) I am going to be completely cool and awesome about it, and get over this sappyness side of me. I have work to do tonight anyhow.  I just really like Alex, it kind of impresses me how much I want him around all the time. I think it's because we don't hesitate to compliment each other and just make each other feel good, and who wouldn't want that around all the time. 
   I asked Alex to join me for one of the weeks I am in California, and he agreed he will. I am really excited, because I still get my adventures of going somewhere random alone but also get to spend a week in California with Alex. I hope I know how to surf at least somewhat decently by the time he comes. 


   Anyway, so yeah that's what's going on. My room is a mess, what should I wear today? I hate all of my clothes. 

Oh yeah I am also going to attempt to skateboard home today, I am nervous as fuck, seeing as my knee is still super weak.

I'm waiting on a pretty important phone call.


     These past few weeks have been fucking tough. All regarding school really, I have been stressed and beaten down accademicely (I cannot spell that word). I recently had to miss a hospital appointment with Justin to give a presentation on facilitating groups. This presentation was worth thirty five percent of my grade and I had done a lot of work on it. After me and my group had finished I was scolded by another teacher that we had done it incorrectly and had clearly not read the instructions, this isn't true. Our teacher told us to do it differently, she wasn't there to defend us though because she has left half way through the semester to get bypass surgery (enjoy your sprite zero's Marcy) and we now have a new teacher who doesn't know shit about us, like how I would never blatantly read instructions so wrong. After we got yelled at in front of the whole class, every one else in our class scrambled to change their presentations so that they wouldn't be wrong. These are the downsides to presenting first.

    Following this I spoke to my new field coordinator for next year's field setting. I really enjoyed my field placement this semester and was hoping for one just as challenging. This field coordinator has been known for being a huge crazy bitch though, and this is exactly what she was to me. She told me several personal, hurtful things. It brought me down so much. I was told I wouldn't get a job, that I'm too scared and don't know myself, that I stay in my comfort zone. I had never even met this woman before.
  I tried telling her my strengths and that if she gave me any challenge I would take it, she called me a liar.

I was having no faith in the faculty anymore.  I was so dissapointed and hurt. I decided to set up a meeting with the only teacher that I did trust/ My original teacher from my first week. She has given me both harsh and awesome feedback before and I really trust her observations and opinions.
 I went into her office and broke down, I just started crying like a little kid. She gave me a quick o_O look at first. She's used to hearing me boast about myself constantly and having overwhelming confidence in her class.  She blurted out hat she has never seen me like this before and I admitted it wasn't at all like me to be so strongly affected by something. She validated my feelings though and encouraged me, telling me that there has never been a problem with me when it came to faculty meetings and that I have always been one of the strongest students in the class. This made me feel so much better, I really felt like I was being attacked from the staff at all angles. I went to my field setting the following day and explained to my supervisor (whom I love) my feelings, she encouraged me as well and made me feel better. I went back to school after stage and went and saw my new field coordinator.
    She shares her office with Flo, a teacher who I can love or hate, depends on the day. Flo was there this time. Also I saw Shirley speaking to my field coordinator after I spoke to her in the office. Terry (my field coordinator) was very different with me this time. She complimented me and noticed how much I take initiative. Also at our last meeting she offered me placements I did not want, like working with the elderly. This time she offered me three high schools which is EXACTLY what I want! And one of them is a field placement they usually on give to third year students, but if I they accept a second year and I do well in the interview I'll get to do it! So that is the call I am anxiously waiting for.

Last night while in bed, lying next to Alex, I looked at a strand of my blonde hair, and I pictured myself how other people saw me, I pictured my name Cindy Owen and how I act. I felt pretty good about myself and decided that I liked myself a lot. I sighed happily loudly hoping Alex would ask why, he didn't. I tend to sigh loudly a lot for no particular reason, he's stopped asking.

 Also I'm going to see Animal Collective, is anyone else?

 One of my favourite things to do is talk. It's all I really want to do.

 Even as a kid, I wouldn't play on the playground I idn't like doing anything except walking around and talking. It's all I'm really good at.

I think that's what I am looking for, for when I settle down with someone, when I commit forever or whatever. Someone who I can talk to about everything and anything. From Weather to religion to reality tv and favourite colors.

 I read in a book once that when it comes to who you should be with, it's not about passion or common interests it is all about banter, if you can have great banter with someone then you can stand them for the rest of your life. That's what I want. If the conversation isn't good, fuck it. 

 So last night I did my counselling session with my friend on Camera. We had to record me counselling her through a situation, it was supposed to be like the first session. Okay fuck it I don't even want to explain the particulars. I basically did really shitty. I can't even watch it it's so fucking bad. It's brutal for me to look at. I did so fucking poorly. It was supposed to be half an hour long and I cut it short at fifteen minutes because I just didn't know how long it was going, or how far into it I should go. I basically fucked right up. Luckily we're not being graded on how well we do but how well we can recognize how we did. I'll fucking ace that part. 

I was doing a project with the kids from the elementary school where I do my field worrk. The project consisted of making a legnthy commericla promoting leadership and I had seventy five kids involved. I was really excited about it and so were the kids. Filming was supposed to begin yesterday and I had kids runing around the halls looking for me, excited out of their minds. 
 Before beginning I met with the Principal of the school, I had never met this woman or even seen her in the school before and I have been doing this Stage for weeks now. She wanted to know my idea, which was also to have an anti-bullying day and I told her the premise of the movie. He response was "No, that is not going to work". For the next 5-10 minutes she explains to me how leadership and bullying aren't real words that have any real meaning. She goes on to tell me that we should focus more on Inclusion and Exclusion, that she wants a musical chairs type activity, but the opposite of that, where instead of having a loser every class there are only winners, all piling onto one chair. I nearly imploded. What the fuck does an opposite musical chairs consist of? All I could see were flashbacks of the Simpsons episode where Bart has to go to a remedial class and there are around fifteen chairs for five kids and 'everyone is a winner' My supervisor apologized and I then had to go to every classroom and explain to eighty children why the movie they were very excited to do, wasn't happening. I also had to explain this without revealing that their principal was an old haggard bitch, c'est la vie I suppose. 

  I am curently doubting myself as a worker, I got some negative feedback on my cunselling skills the other day. I am not used to getting negative feedback I'm used to naturally being the best. I will definitely take their feedback into consideration, and it was good. But fuck, I should have thought of this beforehand. 

 I'm going home to see my parents soon, for some reason I am not looking very forward to it. I have a feeling my parents are just going to nag me like crazy. I hope they don't, I hope they just find me funny. I have the horrible gut feeling that for some reason they're dissapointed in me. 

 I can;t wait to start skateboarding soon, and going to California. I've been sick for over a month, what the fuck, right?

I really think I need to do an overhaul of my music and add bands that I have been listening to a lot of lately and get more of it. I need to stop fooling myself into thinking I listen to Metric. 

Holy Fuck and Born Ruffians coming up, excited as fuck. 

 Prior to moving to Montreal I had a completely different idea in my head about who James, Jeff and I would hang out with. Who our group of friends would be while living here.

   I thought for sure that we would hang around people we went to school with. That we would make a few friends from school and that James would make a few friends at HMV but we would really stick to the original Gatineau dwellers. I was utterly and completely wrong. In fact last night was really the first time in a long time that I hung out with people that I went to high school with. We have made a lot of friends here in Montreal, mainly through Second Cup where James and I work. In fact that's where a vast majority of our friends are. Though we still haven't gotten to a place where we hang out consistently. There are a few people whom I would love to make into a core group of hanging out with, who I just think are so awesome and that I want to have around way more often. It's probably the first time in a long time that a lot of them are girls too.

  One person is Emily, James' squeeze. I love Emily so much and she is probably one of the best people I have met here in Montreal. I worked with her during my first shift of Second Cup and we just couldn't stop talking the entire time. We really understand each other well and can make each other laugh like crazy. I miss her though and haven't seen her in a bit...But she is hilarious, and one of the biggest hippies I have EVER met. She makes her own soy milk for fucks sake.

Marie Eve is probably my other favourite person to hang out with, she is my life saver at school. She's pretty much the only person in my program I can relate with. She reminds me of Kelly but with more crazy life experience. Just a very realistic perspective on things and just really funny as fuck. If I'm gonna do drugs with anyone it is her. 

And then Alex, who is currently over and jamming with James. I know I haven't spoken much about him in a while but I am really glad to have met him. 

 There are also loads of other people who are awesome to chill with, like Nicole or Denise or Claudia, Julia, Mark Paul Nick Matthew(who I want to be better friends with all of them) It's just difficult to completely integrate yourself within a group, I am hoping to keep doing that though. 

....

I don't know I just really wanted to write. I probably will more...later later later

 I've been living in this apartment for more than half a year and I am just so happy with my living arrangements.
 
   I think moving in with the boys was possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made, they are seriously amazing roomates. We're able to be completely honest and civil with each other regarding anything, if we have a problem we either let it go or simply mention it and then it's resolved. People thought it would be disasterous for us, but I don't think they really understood just how much we hung out before moving in together. I do sometimes miss the calling to see each other part, the actual effort to see each other, or the treat to see one other in the world. But it just doesn't measure up to having truly great roomates. 
 
 People sometimes ask me for tips or tricks, and one of the ones I have is to not be selfish, food, cleaning. Try not to see these as things you always have to do or get and just do it or get it or clean it or buy it or eat. We all just assume that in the end it all wil work itself out evenly, the second we start stressing about who spends the most on groceries is the day we start have our own shelf in the fridge, it's the day bread goes bad because we each have to have our own loa, or we would end up splitting th eloaf in threes.
 The same has to go for cleanng, I sometimes would get mad that I felt I was doing a lot of cleaning, or someone else should do more. I then realized only I was losing in this situation, I was the one having to deal with the feelings of being angry, so why get angry? Just do it, I want the dishes clean so just clean them. If the dishes pile up for a few days, don't think about how lazy the others are, either just do them or just don't. Getting angry was just so unnesacary. 

 I also feel remarkably comfortable with them, some mornings if we are all up we will go into each others rooms and just sit on that persons bed and talk. Also yesterday I was feeling sick and Jeff offered to do things to take care of me. James offers to get me things. It's like having the nicest sweetest brothers, whom I find too funny to fight with. 

 
  So yesterday I was feeling annoyingly sick. It was mainly annoying because I WASN'T convulsing, cold sweat over the top cold, bad SICK. I just felt awful and was sure my stomach was out to destroy me. I really hate being that kind of sick, I hate having a sickness I have no control or understanding of. As a kid whenever I got extremely sick the second I had a hint of feeling I would be up and wanting to do stuff again, or wanting to stop taking my pills. I hate sleeping a lot when I'm sick, I want to do something to make my body better. I am a very firm believer in the mind being able to heal itself very well, and the power that the mind has. My theory is if you start acting well and doing things that requires your body to be well, it will get better in order to catch up. I just hate the idea of my body limitng myself. Which is why my knee opping out is maybe one of the most frustrating things to ever happen to  me. I need to go to physio for that still....


   So Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I loooooove Valentines day (as you could plainly see by looking at all my past valentine's day posts) I hate all pressure it puts on people but I just love it. Though I haven't really felt the inspiring feeling I usually get from it yet. I'm hoping it will just be pumped into me when I wake up tomorrow. I love being single on valentines day, I love just the weather it's always nice and snowy and not to cold. I love it, I love how sweet it is or can be. 
  I will be working on the night of Valentines day, which usually I wouldn't mind except the high school next to us is having a fucking school dance. Which will not be as fun but I'll probably feel just as high from all the love in the air, maybe I'll even make a love songs playlist for the store....aww that would be so nice. 

 Mmmmm I hope I continue to feel better today, that I learn something new, feel pretty, have fun and get some work done. This is what I hope forever, foreveryone. 

Today I was eating at Alexis Nihon and Jeff was sitting with me. Ever since the water has been off every silence we have is filled with "I hope the water is back on when we get home". This is all we talked about, all we thought about. If I left the house for a second I couldn't help but think "Maybe the water will be back on when I come back".
 After finishing up my pretty shitty meal I stated that I was going to the washroom, Jeff replied with "Yeah I will too, so that I only have to go to the washroom once tonight at Woodhands" Woodhands is the restaurant below us where we have been using the washroom for the past week.

 Jeff has been using public bathrooms for a week now, we all have been using other bathrooms. Jeff's been brushing his teeth at school, I have been breaking out like crazy.  Showering at other people's houses, hair disgusting, face disgusting, hands disgusting, teeth disgusting. Always thirty, can't drink because then you might have to use the tilet at woodhands that for some hell ass reason NEVER has toilet paper.

 Don't bother washing clothes, don't bother cleaning room, don't bother eating because that means using more dishes and that's just fucking depressing. Jeff and I threatened suicide a few times, I think James contemplated it but didn't say anything to remain strong for our sakes.

   We checked the water and read that Thursday was supposed to be warmer, Thursday, the day was thursday!!!
 Thursday came, no water....James calls our landlord again who says he's going to come by later tonight.

 But then, Jeff walked in the door and heard a sound, a wonderful, magnificient beautiful sound. Water, awesome fucking water. Pouring out of the taps. He's starting the dishes as we speak. I'm so happy about to cry.

It's been five days since we've had water. I'm ready to kill myself. School has started again and I am going to start having to live out of a backpack. I hate my life,

 I thought today some type of miracle would happen and the water would just work,I gave myself until today to be strong about it and today I give up. I woke up and cried for a while, so broken because I didn't feel at home in my own house.
 If you're unsure as to which parts of your life are affected by water let me explain;
 You can't drink water anymore, so every beverage can't be water which then therefore dirties a glass, I can see mold forming on some of my old mlk cups....
 You can't do dishes
You can't flush your toilet, take a shower. You can't do any of the normal function activities that you would do everyday. Yet you still live in the house because everything else is the same. You still have internet, tv, couches, bed, comfort. Except you're hoping to death that you don't have to pee soon cause you'll have to go outside into a restaurant.
 I went four days without a shower then snapped and took one, I needed to shave like crazy and was starting to actually have an odd smell.

 I think I'm gonna go live at Alex's place, but that feels horrible. I have gym at eight in the morning tomorrow. I don't know. Anyway, if anyone was wondering I hate my life. I also think people here are the most active lazy people I have ever met.

I wish that after writing so many essays and observation reports that words just flow from my mouth easily, something I don't have to research or fake emotions about....something that is just so me.

 Today in class we had guest speakers from the field, and one woman who works in a battered women shelter came and told us a time she had a conflict in values, which is what we are really focusing on right now in this particular class.
She was saying, that no matter how much you brace yourself, no matter how much you prepare, when you see kids taken from their mothers, even if the mother is horrible to her kids, does drugs and neglects them, when you see children taken away and put into foster care it's the hardest thing you can witness. It was the first time that it hit me that this is going to be so emotionally draining, like I always knew it would be, but it really was a revelation today. I just realized how little I know about the world, and how emotionally weak I really am.
 
  I really hate it when I become jaded, my goal is to stay fresh and optimistic towards most things, but I am so jaded when it comes to relationships, I have completely resigned myself to being alone forever. Not because I don't think I am attractive or worth staying with, or that no man will want me, but because relationships just don't work. So many times have I entered them and thought no matter what the problem I can make it work, relationships are about sacrifices and I am willing to sacrifice. In the end I never am though and have impossible standards, there is always a problem with them and I always confuse what I am willing to put up with and what I'm not. Yet in the end, afterwards, it seems so clear, the signs, it's so obvious, I should have known all along.

 I have been really confident and conceited lately, thinking I am the top of everyone, smarter and better then most. It's such shit, I say so many things that I berate myself on for hours later, reminding myself I should be smarter and better in conversations. I feel so off and not as sharp as usual, I think I have sensory overload and too much emotional noise. Too many new people, I am learning so much about them but am too busy trying to tell them everything about me, to be validated, stupid stupid girl, listen first ask questions, tell them about yourself later. I have made too many grave mistakes already.

 I just feel really dumb, and awkward, which is so weird because I never feel those things. I am no master manipulator, I am no conversational genius, I am an insecure wannabe counselor, too scared of what others think for her own good. What a coward.

Homework homework homework

 Today I have to do a lot of homework.
 My program is very different from the others because I have teachers who are extremely empathetic. Considering all of them have worked in the social service fields they have heard excuses after excuses and have had to have empathy for the worst of people, so if you go and talk to them about a problem you are having, they are so understanding and will make sure you are able to complete your task, whether it's on time or not, with as much help as you need.  In fact we had three assignments due all in the same week from different teachers, so we complained to one of our teachers and she decided to make it due the week after, because having three assignments due on the same week just isn't fair for us.
 I have loads of homework due, not very soon but I know it will all catch up on me very soon so I want them to be like half done now. I have around six observation reports/research papers going on all at once. It's not that they're very difficult, they're just long and tedious, I have to look up so much. I'm not complaining either, I just wish I had more motivation to work, damn facebook.
 I have been feeling pretty horrible lately, I haven't felt really down in a long time, the more compliments I get about this program the more shitty I feel. I am tired of analyzing myself. I don't want to do it anymore but now that I am known for it I have these expectations on me, I just want to not care what I am doing and why I am doing it. I also am tired of analyzing other people because there's a lot of pressure not to be wrong, I know I should stop but I do like it. I sometimes wonder if I do it just to have a power position over people, or if it's my form of manipulation. Or if I just like the praise it gets me. Maybe I figure people won't really like me unless I do it. Which is usually true, people always just see me as mundane until I do it *shrugs* Who cares? Next week I have pretty much the entire week off, the teachers thought we are overloaded and canceled most of their classes.  Instead of doing my homework I am working on those days, le sigh. Ah well, I really, desperately need more money. I have also decided I want to go away somewhere this summer, anywhere, maybe by myself and just go. I have never done it before so I may as well now.
 I really want to do something wild with my hair today, it probably won't end up being that crazy, but I just feel like it's lacking a lot these days. I also need to clean my house.

 I went back to Ottawa last week, it was really amazing to be back home. The eerie familiarity, that this used to be my life everyday. It was so nice to see, waling downtown and knowing where everything was and how the people were. It was just so great to be somewhere that I knew, with people who I knew exactly where they lived. Going back to my house was really great too, it was so clean, just like it always was, and when my dad started playing music on his guitar I started crying, because I just felt like such a shitty person and that my house was shit compared to this,  or my life was. I liked the student life, skungy, cheap, irresponsible and dumb. Drinking and not caring. Sometimes though I miss my old spotless life. Good times. I miss my conscience. I don't even know what I mean...
 Yesterday all on the bus I was thinking about Justin, whch is really odd of me, I was thinking about good times we had, and how shitty I felt about cheating on him, even if I justified the reasons to myself, I am still a pretty shitty person.
 It's not even that I have loads of homework, I could easily do it if I just got around to doing it. People in second year are amazed at what I know, and I wonder, why aren't I just ahead of everyone.I also found out I could have gone straight to university, sometimes I feel dumb, ugly and like I really have nothing to lose. Freedom, freedom, freedom.

We've been living in Montreal for over a month now. From a certain point of view you could say we moved way to fucking early . At least for Jeff and I, we've been doing nothing for a month. Not really a good idea, I wanted to move early so we could get comfortable here and get used to the city. It's hard to get used to it though if you really have no where to go. I am learning, but wow a month to do nothing is almost ridiculous. But now that it's almost over I am so sad, I wouldn't mind just living off savings forever and watching non-stop episodes of Heroes. But it does get old fast, and I have spent so much of my savings already, some people have asked me if I really want to work during school. I don't really have a choice on the matter, but that's okay. Sometimes it's nice not having one.

 I start school next Monday, I am pretty nervous. I really hope I have good classmates, seeing as I am going to be spending the next three years with them. So many of my blonde hairs slip through my keyboard...But yeah school, I read about half of my book, it was pretty boring so I stopped. I assume reading an entire book and not remembering much of it can't help me much anyway, not to mention the entire book was just a confirmation of how good I am at what I do. In fact, every school year I always knew everything before everyone else, I always understood things right away, but then when it came to the test, or explaining what it was I had learned I always did poorly. I am good at taking things in, not so great at pouring them back out.
 It's been a year and a half since I have had a boyfriend, I don't think I am the relationship type. Despite having so many long lasting ones, I always contemplated breaking up, and alway found problems in the relationships. I am too controling and analytical to be with someone else. I feel crowded too easily.  Actually...it's no even that...I just really don't feel compelled to be with someone, I wouldn't mind dating someone, but a full blown relationship, ugh gross. I've dated so many ridiculously jealous guys, relationships are so annoying for that. I remember Andrew used to be so jealous and I would get very jealous of him, and then one day, out of no where I decided not to be anymore and he said "awwee I kind of like it when you got jealous" and that made me really angry. I vowed never to be jealous again, I got sad sometimes if I felt I was being ignored, but never the angry, controling, possesive jealousy that comes out of so many people. I can't stand it. I find many people feel jealous, and it's hard not too, but jealousy stems from insecurity, scared someone will take something from you that you value or the other person will take you for granted or forget all about you. Silly, what you fear you create! Bah, anyway yeah, no relationships for me.

 I am nervous for work, my boss and I have only been e-mailing each other for the past month and there have been so many misunderstandings. When I don't know someone at all but have to be in a close situation with them I get so fumbling, because I can't analyze them, I can only be nothing. Haha, I guess I use my analyzing as a way to control situations, who knew, who cares. Knowledge is power.

 What a gross entry this is
I guess I just wanted to say that, I'm lving in Montreal. I really miss home and Ottawa and my family. I really miss Ottawa, I know the type of people in Ottawa, the emo kids were so reliable, here not to so much...
 Differences between Montreal and Ottawa
People in montreal don't do anything on the metro, they just sit there, they don't read or listen to music, nothing.
More people in Montreal wear crocs.
The pidgeons are fucking fearless here, I have been attacked several times.
Prices are higher.
People in Montreal are way more open with public displays of affection.

 I miss my house, I miss having the whole house to myself. I miss my job, I don't miss being exauhsted al of the time, but soon I'll be like that.
 I can't wait to learn, I can't wait to start my new job. I'm nervous but I don't give a shit about nerves. I just want my life to fucking begin. Four days left, time for more Heroes.

Orientation for my program was today, I forgot all about it. 

See!? It's funny!! You have to all admit, that's pretty fucking funny!

I think sometimes I am boring as fuck to talk to.  Like I really have nothing interesting to say, I don't have any cool stories, I am too much of a pussy, I just know a lot of interesting people and tell everyone I know, about other people I know. I can never really tell stories about myself well, because I don't think they're as interesting.

 I'm pretty sure most people only like talking to me because I can analyze them so well and people like hearing about themselves, I mean that's really what I'm good for, telling people what they want or need to hear. I am not saying I'm boring, I am just saying..that's my only real appeal, I don't have passions in other areas, I wish I did but...as like "self-defeating" as this seems I am just not smart or good in other areas, people talk about subjects and I am just lost, I like to try and seem like I know, and I try really hard to but I know I just am not good, I can feel my brain working so hard to comprehend what they mean and how they see it and all I can see is how much of an interest they have. But I try to understand what they understand and I can feel my brain unable to reach that level. It's so hard because talking is my favorite thing to do, but unless it's about something personal I feel like I might have nothing to say on the subject. Which sucks.

 I don't know, I can just feel it from certain people, rather I feel nothing from them and start figuring out why.
Some people just effect me more then I should let them.
 Our fridge works again, yay.

This week James' cousin Nat is staying with us *waves to Nat beside her, who doesn't seem to notice that she is being written about, probably because she is such a girl scout and thinks snooping is rude*

 I have to say I get along with easy going quieter girls so much more, opposites do attract in these situations.There was a girl at my work named Joanna whom I love, she is quiet and just thinks I'm absolutely nuts, I miss her. I get along also with the stronger type of girls (I.e Linda, Laura, Rhonda etc.) But when it comes to side kicks I usually choose a more subdued person who is better looking than me and book smart. So that they can have the looks and level headed knowledge but I am the charm and humor and action.  Bart to Milhouse basically (though it became a way bigger loser in the later seasons)  
 
 Nat is ridiculously easy going,  though it seems that she is bottling it up and she may kill someone, but me and James discussed it and she really doesn't bottle too much, if something frustrates her she states it afterwards with her friends, but doesn't generally worry to much. She does a little but in a very balanced way, she's kind of got her shit together.
 I think though that Nat is the type, that once she does start looking shit over, that her main worry is that she doesn't worry or care enough about things, that she doesn't put enough of herself into things, I mean really it's all about whether or not she's happy blah blah blah. But I see where she is coming from (that is if this is actually her worry, I am mainly going from what I notice, as she now reads this over my shoulder...>_>).
 Getting drunk with Nat was a lot of fun, she doesn't seem like a weepy drunk but for some reason I think it would be very funny if she were.  I think she, like most gets really honest when drunk. I asked her if she lied and she said "Of course I do". Not that she wouldn't tell you the truth if you asked, it just depends on who you are but just some new insight would develop while she were drunk.  I think she also likes to hang out with outrageous people, so they can say all the things she wants to.


 Anyway I am fucking rambling, and kind of just wanted to write something, shit. It's hot and our fridge isn't cold enough and I am getting worried. Le sigh. Gnight

I am not smart the way a guy is smart at all.
 Guys know so many trivial facts, so many. I don't know any, I really don't, and though I think they are neat things to know, I really could care less if I know them or not. This sometimes proves to be a problem seeing as I mainly hang out with guys. I feel like such a moron most of them time because I don't know things like what type of bullfrogs live in Canada, I can't recognize a lot of oldies and I have no idea what type of swords ninjas use.
 I don't know any trivia information, I suck. And when you hang out with guys all of the time you feel like such a moron ("You don't know when the first Avengers comic was issued?!) And it's not guys' intentions to make you feel like an idiot, they just like talking about things they know and putting them altogether. I do like listening to them, but it's hard to keep up in so many conversations because most of my points aren't valid, or even backed up. Any opinion I have is as a misinformed person therefore less relevant. I just am not good in that area. I am good when it comes to emotions, or people or what something made me feel, or how it makes someone else feel. To me it doesn't matter if I don't know when to put in a comma because someone just frustrated me when they do something specific and hey that seems to frustrate someone else too let's talk about that! I am not saying the trivia knowledge and fact shit isn't needed, I am just saying, holy fuck do I suck with it. I am surprised I get along with guys as well as I do sometimes.

 Whenever I first meet someone, anyone, I start analyzing the fuck out of them, doesn't matter who, I start observing every single they do and did.
 If I meet several people I just focus on the ones that stick out to me the most. After meeting with that person I start going over what just happened a thousand times in my head, remembering everything they said and the tone they said it in, and what it was in response too and who didn't say anything and what they were doing when they weren't talking. I usually have an incredible memory for conversations, in fact you can tell who I'm analyzing by how much I remember the conversation, my memory for conversations with Jeff and James has diminished now because I don't really need to analyze them anymore, unless we're arguing.
 Only a few people like to know I'm analyzing them like this, girls usually hate it. Mainly because I'm another girl and no girl likes to be watched unless it's by a guy, and even then they're a little more creeped out.
 Guys like it a lot more, especially insecure and emotional guys, and so if I meet someone for the first time, and I am alone with them and they are the type of guy who loves it, which I can usually tell within two minutes of meeting them, I start analyzing them like crazy. I don't just give a diagnosis, I just comment on what they say, or I'll ask them loads of questions. Someone noticed once that I ask certain questions because they answer a whole slew of other ones.
 Half of how I analyze is all just puzzle pieces to make a map of a person, people are typically the same, obviously not exactly but they fall under the same category and so certain aspects usually mean others. Like guys who claim to not care have little boy complexes, they're cowards, avoid shit, put up walls, that means they're defensive, people who are defensive are usually very proud people who are very proud are usually very insecure. Meaning they are quiet and try to block the world out because they're scared to get hurt but get defensive whenever someone tries to break down those walls or get to close and when someone calls them on it they claim to not care. BAM simple, easy to figure out.
 The other way I do it is by instinct, sometimes I have no idea what it is people are thinking because they gave me no clues or not enough, but sometimes I can just feel what the person is feeling or what they have gone through. Sometimes I can just look at someone and know they have no dad. People sometimes are hurting so much you can just feel it and almost read their thoughts. When I know one of their feelings it's easy for me to just focus and feel other things they feel. I think because even though the sources are different emotions usually feel the same, and I try to notice everything I am feeling when I do feel sad, self piteous, angry, frustrated and I notice the line they follow, so when I talk to someone who is feeling somewhat that way, or it seems like they are it's like I can bring up those feelings I had and feel exactly what they are feeling and know what they are going to do, or feel next.
 Cody used to call me the Giver, I think Jeff did too. I hope I do well in my classes.

 Oh yeah Batman was what I expected it to be. Brilliant. (I won't give anything away but I do want to share my thoughts on it, so in case you are really paranoid about not being surprised don't read for a bit)

 I really loved the crazyness behind Joker, I know that's cliche but hoooly fuck I really thought his character was brilliant, he was just fucking nuts. In fact...that's enough said I really feel like anything I say about it would not be giving it enough justice.

I came home to Ottawa last night and am leaving today after the three of us attend a wedding. I went into my old room and my mom completely set it up for a new room, my old computer is in here and she built a night stand and a new desk and put a fucking bed together. Apparently my mom built things all sunday to keep from getting depressed...AWWW.
 I cut off all the back of my hair, it looks really neat and kind of is liberating like "Yeah that's right! I don't need to have long hair!"



 So far living in Montreal is pretty neat, it already feels like home, but being back at my parents house does make me miss them so much.
 Living with the boys is cool and pretty natural. At first whenever we fought I thought "Oh great this isn't working out" But then I remembered, we ALWAYS fight! Like all of the time, We do need friends to hang out with though, and to start building like a life here.
  I started a job last wednesday but I am not going back because...just no. I am starting work now at a different Second Cup in August which I am excited for because they seem so SO cool there. But until then Jeff and I are bums hanging around the house doing jack all. I am not worried about money, I am quite heavily in debt right now but that doesn't worry me at all, even if I can't handle working and school things will work out. Money sometimes stresses me out but only because I think it should, but then I remember that when it comes to money things always find a way to figure themselves out. At least that's what I've been taught, it could be my faith in God because I know he will take care of me and give me the wisdom to figure it out. Which I am very stoked about.
 Anyway the apartment looks good, I have been having trouble sleeping though, I am more active in my sleep than usual, I find myself waking up in the middle of th enight about to roll off of my bed, or the blankets ALL over the place when I wake up, which usually doesn't happen. I also always wake up sweating because I have no window in my room so it;s always about three thousand degrees. I can't wait for winter for my room to be the hottest. I slept amazingly well in my old room last night, turns out I really like blow up mattresses. Also everyone come visit!
 Anyway I better go get ready for zee wedding, pershaps Jeff will take pictures of all of us looking spiffy, who knows!
 Peace

The first one is the same picture as before with a few slight modifications.
The second is a model I drew about ten months ago, it was my first time using real folds, the second one is uspposed to be Kate moss with curly hair, her torso is too long, but, it was an odd angle...