Thank Fuck! I Thought I Killed Her!

I really wish I could play music better. Scratch that, I wish I was more motivated to practice music. I want to do solo stuff and keep working on stuff with the boys, however playing music and instruments is horrible and embarassing. I have been made fun of my entire life by my family and some people in my church, especially regarding my ability to sing, write lyrics or play any instrument. My dad wanted me to learn these things, but his motivation to help me was slightly lacking or misplaced. I really want to write dumb lyrics and play and sing them, I don't even have to play them. I just want to sing them and relate to myself. I want to be a writing machine and pump out lyrics more and more. It's so hard though when I am full of constant scrutiny and shame. Like all other areas in my life, I need a nothin' to lose attitude! Especially now, because it's summer, because I can do anything. I only have a bit of time left, I need it to go to good use. I need to make this a productive fun summer. Not that it hasn't been good so far, it's actually been awesome, I just need more and more and more. I also am in love with the lyrics of Kimya Dawson and the simplicity of all her lyrics. It's really captivated me, which in a way sucks. It just does. I just repaired a drawer.

I have been meaning to put up a lot of these things for a while now. Some of them are from my trip in Toronto with my lovely boy, and others are my trip to California.

Me and Rabs (I'm trying out his nickname) went to Toronto because ol'Battle Lava had booked a show. So we hopped on a bus with a documentary film crew and a bunch of other older hipsters and took the slowest drive possible to Toronto (took around eight hours) then we hung out in TO, did an excellent show and then....we stayed up. We had no where to sleep, no money, and had to catch another ride share to Ottawa at seven and the metro opened at six. It was around one when the show ended. So our two vieos are our grueling venture to stay up all night. It was horrible but also kind of fun.

The rest are just pictures from my trip to Cali. Palm Trees are so funny!


( Palm Trees and Rabs )

 Oh yeah, I'm back. 

I'm peeling like a snake, but it's almost over. It's all almost over. California was good, I'm back. Yeah I'm back, I've been back. I'm back.

I have chores to do. I'll do them soon.

I kind of miss school, I miss learning about my profession, social workers have baaaaaaad reps. I'm scared to find out that I can't do anything about it.

I missed my boys in California, I missed my boys a lot. I'm discovering that maybe I kind of need them and that maybe this doesn't bug me too much.

I've fallen pretty hard for my main boy, I didn't expect THAT. Well I did when we started dating, but before that I didn't. We didn't start like most couples, we hated each other at first, but couldn't stop seeing that lad, even when he ended it. Yeah I'm pretty crazy 'bout him, so crazy that I don't know what to do bout it, which is the worst part, there's nothing to do. That's hardest for me, doing nothing.

I miss female friends, I miss being close to girls, I miss chrissie and Kelly, I miss all my Ottawa girls,  I might come to Ottawa for a short visit before my birthday just to go to dinner with them. I miss them like crazy. I miss girls, I miss being a girl. I'm surrounded by boys boys. No that's not even the problem, I just cant puncture the friendships of the girls here, yeah we'll go out and have fun, but we'll never reach that closeness that I have with the girls at home, or the closeness these girls already have with each other. I just wanna watch sappy movies with a girl and have her understand why it feels good to cry. Lame lame, ah well. 
I'm ever so tanned, and need to write more so I don't get rusty for September. I'm thinking of doing an essay in my spare time. I know....SO LAME. I can't help it though, when push comes to shove I actually kind of like learning and researching. I'm kind of fucking weird. But for this reason only.  I'm gonna go make my head itchy, call me up if you're bored, even if you live far away. I'll travel, I don't mind

 This is a list of my top ten favorite songs of all time. Even if this list changes tomorrow, this right now are the songs I cherish so much that I have to mention them. 



Not in any particular order

Your English is Good-Tokyo Police Club :  Barely any other song can give me so many goosebumps so easily. This song inspires delirious happiness in me and I love it, this song is freedom.

The Beer-Kimya Dawson : I don't know why but no matter what mood I am in it is always a mood that fits for this song. I have not once skipped this song on my ipod in the year that I have been listening to it. It fucking hits the nail on the head, whatever that head may be. 

Beast- Native Korean Rock: This song just kills me

The Maid Needs a Maid- Emily Haines : This song can still make me cry, despite not having a relatable feeling to it as much anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut - Born Ruffians - It's hard to choose a favorite Born Ruffians song, but this one fills me with so much happiness, especially when it's sunny.

Come Around - M.I.A : M.I.A is so fucking poppin' but with Timbaland it's fucking gold. 

Climbing Up the Walls - Radiohead : Good fuck its hard to choose a a favorite Radiohead song, and usually I would choose so many others, but right this is the one that is the most intense for me. 

Everyone Nose- N.E.R.D : Good fuck this song is catchy. 

The Biggest Lie- Eliott Smith : It's Elliott Smith, who else?

The last song is a tie because they are both new to me so I am not sure which will win out and it's Peacebone by Animal Collective and Woof Woof by Dan Deacon. 

As I grow up I realize more and more what Veronica Lodge meant when she says that some bathing suits are just not meant for swimming in.

            
There's always this sad moment in relationships for me. The moment the guy I am with get's over the fact that I understand him better than anyone else ever will. That I have this weird view on the human race and that I can tell what people are hungry for because I'm that good at putting myself in their shoes. The moment they don't care that I can read minds and take their hearts to a new place. A moment where that all becomes old news and what they're used to. They're not unhappy  but my thoughts and ideas are no longer incredible. I raise the bar to high in the beginning, I wow guys and then after that nothing impresses them. Same with my story on how I cheated, after they hear that whopper any other secrets about me are secondary. 

     The worst part is I know this pattern, I have seen it so many times yet I still wow at first. Maybe I'm scared people won't like me if I don't analyze them like crazy, who knows. I like noticing things about people, I just wish they noticed these things about me. 


   In three days I am going to be off to California by myself for two weeks. I have no idea why, why not I guess. It's the biggest adventure I will have ever been on. I've never done anything even close to this. I'm just bringing a bag full of clothes and a hair straightner and that's basically it. I am going to try and meet people and just live, I have a few minor goals to achieve but nothing big really, I am really just relying on these hostels and the beach. I could very well be miserable and have a horrible time. I doubt it though, I just have to really force myself to be social and charming and use all the skills I was born with to make some friends. I know I will be lonely and miss people, I've never spent two weeks away from my boys. This will be interesting, I'm going to try to be drunk for a period of twenty four hours. I've never woke up and continued drinking before. I've also never touched real sand and never left canada for more than hour. 


I need to re-dye my hair pink. 

 There are times where I wish I could shut my brain off. I hate being as responsible as I am, even though I have felt less responsible these days.

    I look at other people and read things about them and snoop and browse and facebook stalk. People are so emotional, people are so ruled by their emotions. They burn to understand themselves and do so in many horrible, repetitive ways. I am also a culprit of this self indulgent act. As we all know. I feel less curious about myself these days though. Maybe because I am trying to be more social. I think one thing I have attained that I hate is caring what other people think of me. I want to be as confident and comfortable with myself that I can. This is hard. My piercing is itchy. Does anyone read anything?

    I sometimes wonder if I write less because I pray less, like if there is a direct correlation. I doubt it, I wrote a lot with Justin, and I didn't pray much then, but I tried really hard too. Maybe I write more when Im unhappy. I don't know, I am pretty happy these days. In fact I have been in a general state of happiness, I haven't felt an over whelming sadness since things went slightly off between Alex and I a while ago. Also when things were going badly with school, but even that didn't really bring me down too much. I kind of miss it, I miss not being in control of myself.  I miss the emotions that hurt so much. I have too much at stake now though, I can't start being careless I have my career and future to think, not to say that I;m not having fun. Just the opposite, I need to be a succesful person for all of those other people whose life is in shambles, so that I can carry them soon. I really have no 'clients' now. I have no one I am counselling or speaking to in that way on a regular basis, not like I used to. Which is an even more responsible, professional thing to do. Because I shouldn't do real counselling in my off time. 

    It feels good to just be able to analyze people as my hobby again, someone (Maybe Alex) said I'm kind of like an English Major who's happy they get to read books they just enjoy, that's how I feel. I get to just analyze and think about people and why they do things. I need to make sure I do this so as to keep up the practice. 


   I'm going to California by myself in less than ten days, I'm not ready, I'm not packed. I'm not at all prepared, maybe I'll discover something crazy about myself while I'm there. Maybe I'll be bored and miserable the entire time. I know I'll miss people, I always miss people now. I always need someone. I guess. 

 Whenever I look back at my past entries I feel so sad for how young I was. I just read a post from my Shyland_suffers account and it's me declaring how much I hate sex and how I hope it goes away forever. How sad. Mainly because I know where that thought process originated from. It's rare that I look back at myself and see any kind of change, I like to believe that I have been basically the same since I was five. Though this is somewhat true I have changed a lot. Fuck, my writing style alone. My priorities have changed a lot though. I just feel so much less naive and so much more bitter and tainted. I used to be such a sweet girl.

       I think one of the reasons I don't write in here as much is because of how self conscience I feel. This is also the reason I don't sing as loud, or freely make a fool of myself. I am caring too much lately about what others think of me, which I need to not do. It's bull shit. I miss being innocent a lot, I miss running down a street and skipping or spinning. Maybe my innocence died when my knee popped out. I am limited when it comes to those things now. Maybe I'm jus a wuss and not strong at all...

     I have gotten feedback a few times that I am a control freak, I am going to stop trying to help people so much. Despite my stupid good intentions I need to mind my own business. I need to only help those who ask for my help. I don't want to be one of those parents who doesn't let their kid make mistakes. As James Bond say "Why is it that those who can't take advice always insist on giving it?" 

      Alex can't go to California anymore, I'm hoping Chrissie will come in his place. That would be 2 much fun!11!111!1

I'm feeling kind of solemn, and kind of sad but pretty. Maybe it's just been a while since I've had any time to myself, it's been a while since I could just listen to mysef think and organize my thoughts. I think I talk too much sometimes. I can't help it though, I just have so much to say about nothing at all, I realy do try to be a good listener. I promise. 

   Really I just wish Facebook would stop suggesting people to be friend. 

I could go on forever, instead I'm going to start cleaning my house. Maybe get some groceries and pierce my face with a sharp object. 

So I tried drugs

I smoked weed and hash on two seperate occasions. It was really boring, nothing happened, I felt something for around four minutes then felt nothing and just felt really bored and annoyed. And both times after getting high the next day I had an urge to get drunk, if I did drink it was way better because I remembered how much I like getting drunk.

    I don't feel the need to write in this as much because I have so many outlets to say how I think and feel. There are so many people I can be honest with and say what's on my mind. Especially living with James and Jeff, any thought that comes to my head I usually tell them (Well obviously not every thought, but you catch my drift) Alex helps too. I just have so many people I can tell things to, I don't feel like I need this area to pour out everything that's inside me. I think another reason is that I don't pray as much, and when I pray I love to write what I am feeling because it's like another physical form of prayer. I need to pray more, it keeps me so much more grounded. 

School is almost over, here are a list of things that will be happening in May that I am very excited for.

Getting La Ronde Season pass
School finishing
Going to Toronto with Alex
Getting my piercing
Alex meeting my parents
Seeing my family
Getting prepared for California
Animal Collective


    It's really odd to me how bad my memory is lately, Alex is rubbing off on me. I can't seem to remember how often Justin and I hung out, I think a lot. Regardless, I spend a lot of time with Alex. Like a retarded amount. He just came back from New York, and now the idea of not spending every minute together is absurd to me. He basically lives with me Jeff and James, and he usually meets me after work. I really have no problem with any of this, we get along swimmingly and things are generally awesome for me when he's around. However, although I know we're still in the beginning stages of our relationship and in that "cant be without each other" mode. I don't ever want to be dependant or needy to anyone, so tonight Alex is hanging out with his friends and not sleeping over, and instead of even jokingly guilt tripping him (I would never actually guilt trip him) I am going to be completely cool and awesome about it, and get over this sappyness side of me. I have work to do tonight anyhow.  I just really like Alex, it kind of impresses me how much I want him around all the time. I think it's because we don't hesitate to compliment each other and just make each other feel good, and who wouldn't want that around all the time. 
   I asked Alex to join me for one of the weeks I am in California, and he agreed he will. I am really excited, because I still get my adventures of going somewhere random alone but also get to spend a week in California with Alex. I hope I know how to surf at least somewhat decently by the time he comes. 


   Anyway, so yeah that's what's going on. My room is a mess, what should I wear today? I hate all of my clothes. 

Oh yeah I am also going to attempt to skateboard home today, I am nervous as fuck, seeing as my knee is still super weak.

I'm waiting on a pretty important phone call.


     These past few weeks have been fucking tough. All regarding school really, I have been stressed and beaten down accademicely (I cannot spell that word). I recently had to miss a hospital appointment with Justin to give a presentation on facilitating groups. This presentation was worth thirty five percent of my grade and I had done a lot of work on it. After me and my group had finished I was scolded by another teacher that we had done it incorrectly and had clearly not read the instructions, this isn't true. Our teacher told us to do it differently, she wasn't there to defend us though because she has left half way through the semester to get bypass surgery (enjoy your sprite zero's Marcy) and we now have a new teacher who doesn't know shit about us, like how I would never blatantly read instructions so wrong. After we got yelled at in front of the whole class, every one else in our class scrambled to change their presentations so that they wouldn't be wrong. These are the downsides to presenting first.

    Following this I spoke to my new field coordinator for next year's field setting. I really enjoyed my field placement this semester and was hoping for one just as challenging. This field coordinator has been known for being a huge crazy bitch though, and this is exactly what she was to me. She told me several personal, hurtful things. It brought me down so much. I was told I wouldn't get a job, that I'm too scared and don't know myself, that I stay in my comfort zone. I had never even met this woman before.
  I tried telling her my strengths and that if she gave me any challenge I would take it, she called me a liar.

I was having no faith in the faculty anymore.  I was so dissapointed and hurt. I decided to set up a meeting with the only teacher that I did trust/ My original teacher from my first week. She has given me both harsh and awesome feedback before and I really trust her observations and opinions.
 I went into her office and broke down, I just started crying like a little kid. She gave me a quick o_O look at first. She's used to hearing me boast about myself constantly and having overwhelming confidence in her class.  She blurted out hat she has never seen me like this before and I admitted it wasn't at all like me to be so strongly affected by something. She validated my feelings though and encouraged me, telling me that there has never been a problem with me when it came to faculty meetings and that I have always been one of the strongest students in the class. This made me feel so much better, I really felt like I was being attacked from the staff at all angles. I went to my field setting the following day and explained to my supervisor (whom I love) my feelings, she encouraged me as well and made me feel better. I went back to school after stage and went and saw my new field coordinator.
    She shares her office with Flo, a teacher who I can love or hate, depends on the day. Flo was there this time. Also I saw Shirley speaking to my field coordinator after I spoke to her in the office. Terry (my field coordinator) was very different with me this time. She complimented me and noticed how much I take initiative. Also at our last meeting she offered me placements I did not want, like working with the elderly. This time she offered me three high schools which is EXACTLY what I want! And one of them is a field placement they usually on give to third year students, but if I they accept a second year and I do well in the interview I'll get to do it! So that is the call I am anxiously waiting for.

Last night while in bed, lying next to Alex, I looked at a strand of my blonde hair, and I pictured myself how other people saw me, I pictured my name Cindy Owen and how I act. I felt pretty good about myself and decided that I liked myself a lot. I sighed happily loudly hoping Alex would ask why, he didn't. I tend to sigh loudly a lot for no particular reason, he's stopped asking.

 Also I'm going to see Animal Collective, is anyone else?

 One of my favourite things to do is talk. It's all I really want to do.

 Even as a kid, I wouldn't play on the playground I idn't like doing anything except walking around and talking. It's all I'm really good at.

I think that's what I am looking for, for when I settle down with someone, when I commit forever or whatever. Someone who I can talk to about everything and anything. From Weather to religion to reality tv and favourite colors.

 I read in a book once that when it comes to who you should be with, it's not about passion or common interests it is all about banter, if you can have great banter with someone then you can stand them for the rest of your life. That's what I want. If the conversation isn't good, fuck it. 

 So last night I did my counselling session with my friend on Camera. We had to record me counselling her through a situation, it was supposed to be like the first session. Okay fuck it I don't even want to explain the particulars. I basically did really shitty. I can't even watch it it's so fucking bad. It's brutal for me to look at. I did so fucking poorly. It was supposed to be half an hour long and I cut it short at fifteen minutes because I just didn't know how long it was going, or how far into it I should go. I basically fucked right up. Luckily we're not being graded on how well we do but how well we can recognize how we did. I'll fucking ace that part. 

I was doing a project with the kids from the elementary school where I do my field worrk. The project consisted of making a legnthy commericla promoting leadership and I had seventy five kids involved. I was really excited about it and so were the kids. Filming was supposed to begin yesterday and I had kids runing around the halls looking for me, excited out of their minds. 
 Before beginning I met with the Principal of the school, I had never met this woman or even seen her in the school before and I have been doing this Stage for weeks now. She wanted to know my idea, which was also to have an anti-bullying day and I told her the premise of the movie. He response was "No, that is not going to work". For the next 5-10 minutes she explains to me how leadership and bullying aren't real words that have any real meaning. She goes on to tell me that we should focus more on Inclusion and Exclusion, that she wants a musical chairs type activity, but the opposite of that, where instead of having a loser every class there are only winners, all piling onto one chair. I nearly imploded. What the fuck does an opposite musical chairs consist of? All I could see were flashbacks of the Simpsons episode where Bart has to go to a remedial class and there are around fifteen chairs for five kids and 'everyone is a winner' My supervisor apologized and I then had to go to every classroom and explain to eighty children why the movie they were very excited to do, wasn't happening. I also had to explain this without revealing that their principal was an old haggard bitch, c'est la vie I suppose. 

  I am curently doubting myself as a worker, I got some negative feedback on my cunselling skills the other day. I am not used to getting negative feedback I'm used to naturally being the best. I will definitely take their feedback into consideration, and it was good. But fuck, I should have thought of this beforehand. 

 I'm going home to see my parents soon, for some reason I am not looking very forward to it. I have a feeling my parents are just going to nag me like crazy. I hope they don't, I hope they just find me funny. I have the horrible gut feeling that for some reason they're dissapointed in me. 

 I can;t wait to start skateboarding soon, and going to California. I've been sick for over a month, what the fuck, right?

I really think I need to do an overhaul of my music and add bands that I have been listening to a lot of lately and get more of it. I need to stop fooling myself into thinking I listen to Metric. 

Holy Fuck and Born Ruffians coming up, excited as fuck. 

 Prior to moving to Montreal I had a completely different idea in my head about who James, Jeff and I would hang out with. Who our group of friends would be while living here.

   I thought for sure that we would hang around people we went to school with. That we would make a few friends from school and that James would make a few friends at HMV but we would really stick to the original Gatineau dwellers. I was utterly and completely wrong. In fact last night was really the first time in a long time that I hung out with people that I went to high school with. We have made a lot of friends here in Montreal, mainly through Second Cup where James and I work. In fact that's where a vast majority of our friends are. Though we still haven't gotten to a place where we hang out consistently. There are a few people whom I would love to make into a core group of hanging out with, who I just think are so awesome and that I want to have around way more often. It's probably the first time in a long time that a lot of them are girls too.

  One person is Emily, James' squeeze. I love Emily so much and she is probably one of the best people I have met here in Montreal. I worked with her during my first shift of Second Cup and we just couldn't stop talking the entire time. We really understand each other well and can make each other laugh like crazy. I miss her though and haven't seen her in a bit...But she is hilarious, and one of the biggest hippies I have EVER met. She makes her own soy milk for fucks sake.

Marie Eve is probably my other favourite person to hang out with, she is my life saver at school. She's pretty much the only person in my program I can relate with. She reminds me of Kelly but with more crazy life experience. Just a very realistic perspective on things and just really funny as fuck. If I'm gonna do drugs with anyone it is her. 

And then Alex, who is currently over and jamming with James. I know I haven't spoken much about him in a while but I am really glad to have met him. 

 There are also loads of other people who are awesome to chill with, like Nicole or Denise or Claudia, Julia, Mark Paul Nick Matthew(who I want to be better friends with all of them) It's just difficult to completely integrate yourself within a group, I am hoping to keep doing that though. 

....

I don't know I just really wanted to write. I probably will more...later later later

 I've been living in this apartment for more than half a year and I am just so happy with my living arrangements.
 
   I think moving in with the boys was possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made, they are seriously amazing roomates. We're able to be completely honest and civil with each other regarding anything, if we have a problem we either let it go or simply mention it and then it's resolved. People thought it would be disasterous for us, but I don't think they really understood just how much we hung out before moving in together. I do sometimes miss the calling to see each other part, the actual effort to see each other, or the treat to see one other in the world. But it just doesn't measure up to having truly great roomates. 
 
 People sometimes ask me for tips or tricks, and one of the ones I have is to not be selfish, food, cleaning. Try not to see these as things you always have to do or get and just do it or get it or clean it or buy it or eat. We all just assume that in the end it all wil work itself out evenly, the second we start stressing about who spends the most on groceries is the day we start have our own shelf in the fridge, it's the day bread goes bad because we each have to have our own loa, or we would end up splitting th eloaf in threes.
 The same has to go for cleanng, I sometimes would get mad that I felt I was doing a lot of cleaning, or someone else should do more. I then realized only I was losing in this situation, I was the one having to deal with the feelings of being angry, so why get angry? Just do it, I want the dishes clean so just clean them. If the dishes pile up for a few days, don't think about how lazy the others are, either just do them or just don't. Getting angry was just so unnesacary. 

 I also feel remarkably comfortable with them, some mornings if we are all up we will go into each others rooms and just sit on that persons bed and talk. Also yesterday I was feeling sick and Jeff offered to do things to take care of me. James offers to get me things. It's like having the nicest sweetest brothers, whom I find too funny to fight with. 

 
  So yesterday I was feeling annoyingly sick. It was mainly annoying because I WASN'T convulsing, cold sweat over the top cold, bad SICK. I just felt awful and was sure my stomach was out to destroy me. I really hate being that kind of sick, I hate having a sickness I have no control or understanding of. As a kid whenever I got extremely sick the second I had a hint of feeling I would be up and wanting to do stuff again, or wanting to stop taking my pills. I hate sleeping a lot when I'm sick, I want to do something to make my body better. I am a very firm believer in the mind being able to heal itself very well, and the power that the mind has. My theory is if you start acting well and doing things that requires your body to be well, it will get better in order to catch up. I just hate the idea of my body limitng myself. Which is why my knee opping out is maybe one of the most frustrating things to ever happen to  me. I need to go to physio for that still....


   So Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I loooooove Valentines day (as you could plainly see by looking at all my past valentine's day posts) I hate all pressure it puts on people but I just love it. Though I haven't really felt the inspiring feeling I usually get from it yet. I'm hoping it will just be pumped into me when I wake up tomorrow. I love being single on valentines day, I love just the weather it's always nice and snowy and not to cold. I love it, I love how sweet it is or can be. 
  I will be working on the night of Valentines day, which usually I wouldn't mind except the high school next to us is having a fucking school dance. Which will not be as fun but I'll probably feel just as high from all the love in the air, maybe I'll even make a love songs playlist for the store....aww that would be so nice. 

 Mmmmm I hope I continue to feel better today, that I learn something new, feel pretty, have fun and get some work done. This is what I hope forever, foreveryone. 

Today I was eating at Alexis Nihon and Jeff was sitting with me. Ever since the water has been off every silence we have is filled with "I hope the water is back on when we get home". This is all we talked about, all we thought about. If I left the house for a second I couldn't help but think "Maybe the water will be back on when I come back".
 After finishing up my pretty shitty meal I stated that I was going to the washroom, Jeff replied with "Yeah I will too, so that I only have to go to the washroom once tonight at Woodhands" Woodhands is the restaurant below us where we have been using the washroom for the past week.

 Jeff has been using public bathrooms for a week now, we all have been using other bathrooms. Jeff's been brushing his teeth at school, I have been breaking out like crazy.  Showering at other people's houses, hair disgusting, face disgusting, hands disgusting, teeth disgusting. Always thirty, can't drink because then you might have to use the tilet at woodhands that for some hell ass reason NEVER has toilet paper.

 Don't bother washing clothes, don't bother cleaning room, don't bother eating because that means using more dishes and that's just fucking depressing. Jeff and I threatened suicide a few times, I think James contemplated it but didn't say anything to remain strong for our sakes.

   We checked the water and read that Thursday was supposed to be warmer, Thursday, the day was thursday!!!
 Thursday came, no water....James calls our landlord again who says he's going to come by later tonight.

 But then, Jeff walked in the door and heard a sound, a wonderful, magnificient beautiful sound. Water, awesome fucking water. Pouring out of the taps. He's starting the dishes as we speak. I'm so happy about to cry.

It's been five days since we've had water. I'm ready to kill myself. School has started again and I am going to start having to live out of a backpack. I hate my life,

 I thought today some type of miracle would happen and the water would just work,I gave myself until today to be strong about it and today I give up. I woke up and cried for a while, so broken because I didn't feel at home in my own house.
 If you're unsure as to which parts of your life are affected by water let me explain;
 You can't drink water anymore, so every beverage can't be water which then therefore dirties a glass, I can see mold forming on some of my old mlk cups....
 You can't do dishes
You can't flush your toilet, take a shower. You can't do any of the normal function activities that you would do everyday. Yet you still live in the house because everything else is the same. You still have internet, tv, couches, bed, comfort. Except you're hoping to death that you don't have to pee soon cause you'll have to go outside into a restaurant.
 I went four days without a shower then snapped and took one, I needed to shave like crazy and was starting to actually have an odd smell.

 I think I'm gonna go live at Alex's place, but that feels horrible. I have gym at eight in the morning tomorrow. I don't know. Anyway, if anyone was wondering I hate my life. I also think people here are the most active lazy people I have ever met.

I wish that after writing so many essays and observation reports that words just flow from my mouth easily, something I don't have to research or fake emotions about....something that is just so me.

 Today in class we had guest speakers from the field, and one woman who works in a battered women shelter came and told us a time she had a conflict in values, which is what we are really focusing on right now in this particular class.
She was saying, that no matter how much you brace yourself, no matter how much you prepare, when you see kids taken from their mothers, even if the mother is horrible to her kids, does drugs and neglects them, when you see children taken away and put into foster care it's the hardest thing you can witness. It was the first time that it hit me that this is going to be so emotionally draining, like I always knew it would be, but it really was a revelation today. I just realized how little I know about the world, and how emotionally weak I really am.
 
  I really hate it when I become jaded, my goal is to stay fresh and optimistic towards most things, but I am so jaded when it comes to relationships, I have completely resigned myself to being alone forever. Not because I don't think I am attractive or worth staying with, or that no man will want me, but because relationships just don't work. So many times have I entered them and thought no matter what the problem I can make it work, relationships are about sacrifices and I am willing to sacrifice. In the end I never am though and have impossible standards, there is always a problem with them and I always confuse what I am willing to put up with and what I'm not. Yet in the end, afterwards, it seems so clear, the signs, it's so obvious, I should have known all along.

 I have been really confident and conceited lately, thinking I am the top of everyone, smarter and better then most. It's such shit, I say so many things that I berate myself on for hours later, reminding myself I should be smarter and better in conversations. I feel so off and not as sharp as usual, I think I have sensory overload and too much emotional noise. Too many new people, I am learning so much about them but am too busy trying to tell them everything about me, to be validated, stupid stupid girl, listen first ask questions, tell them about yourself later. I have made too many grave mistakes already.

 I just feel really dumb, and awkward, which is so weird because I never feel those things. I am no master manipulator, I am no conversational genius, I am an insecure wannabe counselor, too scared of what others think for her own good. What a coward.

Homework homework homework

 Today I have to do a lot of homework.
 My program is very different from the others because I have teachers who are extremely empathetic. Considering all of them have worked in the social service fields they have heard excuses after excuses and have had to have empathy for the worst of people, so if you go and talk to them about a problem you are having, they are so understanding and will make sure you are able to complete your task, whether it's on time or not, with as much help as you need.  In fact we had three assignments due all in the same week from different teachers, so we complained to one of our teachers and she decided to make it due the week after, because having three assignments due on the same week just isn't fair for us.
 I have loads of homework due, not very soon but I know it will all catch up on me very soon so I want them to be like half done now. I have around six observation reports/research papers going on all at once. It's not that they're very difficult, they're just long and tedious, I have to look up so much. I'm not complaining either, I just wish I had more motivation to work, damn facebook.
 I have been feeling pretty horrible lately, I haven't felt really down in a long time, the more compliments I get about this program the more shitty I feel. I am tired of analyzing myself. I don't want to do it anymore but now that I am known for it I have these expectations on me, I just want to not care what I am doing and why I am doing it. I also am tired of analyzing other people because there's a lot of pressure not to be wrong, I know I should stop but I do like it. I sometimes wonder if I do it just to have a power position over people, or if it's my form of manipulation. Or if I just like the praise it gets me. Maybe I figure people won't really like me unless I do it. Which is usually true, people always just see me as mundane until I do it *shrugs* Who cares? Next week I have pretty much the entire week off, the teachers thought we are overloaded and canceled most of their classes.  Instead of doing my homework I am working on those days, le sigh. Ah well, I really, desperately need more money. I have also decided I want to go away somewhere this summer, anywhere, maybe by myself and just go. I have never done it before so I may as well now.
 I really want to do something wild with my hair today, it probably won't end up being that crazy, but I just feel like it's lacking a lot these days. I also need to clean my house.

 I went back to Ottawa last week, it was really amazing to be back home. The eerie familiarity, that this used to be my life everyday. It was so nice to see, waling downtown and knowing where everything was and how the people were. It was just so great to be somewhere that I knew, with people who I knew exactly where they lived. Going back to my house was really great too, it was so clean, just like it always was, and when my dad started playing music on his guitar I started crying, because I just felt like such a shitty person and that my house was shit compared to this,  or my life was. I liked the student life, skungy, cheap, irresponsible and dumb. Drinking and not caring. Sometimes though I miss my old spotless life. Good times. I miss my conscience. I don't even know what I mean...
 Yesterday all on the bus I was thinking about Justin, whch is really odd of me, I was thinking about good times we had, and how shitty I felt about cheating on him, even if I justified the reasons to myself, I am still a pretty shitty person.
 It's not even that I have loads of homework, I could easily do it if I just got around to doing it. People in second year are amazed at what I know, and I wonder, why aren't I just ahead of everyone.I also found out I could have gone straight to university, sometimes I feel dumb, ugly and like I really have nothing to lose. Freedom, freedom, freedom.